A bad day for brain cells, a good day for trying medical equipment

I regret to say that much of Saturday (and I guess now a bit of Sunday) has been, healthwise, a disaster. I have had more seizures than can be counted.

I also stopped breathing for an extended period of time. Extended being about 25 minutes off and on (though thankfully we have an ambi-bag which breathes for me).

However, so many seizures and the results of them (no breathing for example) mean certain brain damage. But lets just say that 80% of EFM or a percent or two less of EFM is still plenty to go around (That is the opinion of Brain Damaged EFM, which we will now refer to as "EFM Lite!" - see, still can do the sick jokes).

However, I and others have already noted speech and other cognative difficulties. Let’s hope they go away (brain damage is like the flu right?). I also, in a great deal of pain and frustration, helpless in a body that left me staring at a patch of ceiling for a great deal of time, let that frustration get the best of me and while briefly ALMOST functional (like I had four fingers working, two on each hand) was stopped by Linda and Cheryl from overdosing on pills. At that time, tired, hurt, and after several series of seizures, I wanted out, I wanted to die while I was still me.

I might point out that while the sentiment is understandable when one continues to experience wave after wave of physical slamming and chipping away at my brain, the entire 10 seconds of deep consideration to terminate, I now consider a bit rash. Linda suggested I go to bed (Translation: Linda put me in bed and then drugged me into a sleep), and think things over.

Right now, I still have minor seizures almost hourly and high levels of heart pain due to the erratics and the general weakness of my system.

I do however want to say Happy Birthday to Dawn and to say that I still got that last bit of your present and now your birthday present has been prepared and is awaiting the postal officer! Ha, I can be suicidal, in seizures, have crap health AND get stuff done - talk about multi-tasking (take that Martha Stewart!)

I am going to rest now, I have answered the comments and will continue to do so. Even during the bouts, or rather between the seizure bouts if and when I a) know where I am, b) know what year it is, c) Remember what my blog is and d) Have enough strength in my hands to type, or hand to type, or finger to type, I will sent emails and answer comments. I have always been a doer and that is how I want to continue. Linda was right to stop me (from killing myself). I wanted to “fix” my problem and choose an easy solution. I was overly emotion and exhausted at the time. Now I am just extremely emotional and exhausted. Seriously, I broke down in tears today because I had to fold up the $400+ special walker that we waited months to get, and now, is folded and put away after a few months of morning use. Linda has said, “We can recoup that when we sell it to your parents.”

I said, “If you expect me to live SO long as to the day my parents admit their need for assistive devices, you REALLY are an optimist (my father talks about having to come down the stairs holding the rail one at a time, and due to his nerve spasms, spending the first hour or two walking into things like WALLS, and COLUMNS and TABLES and yet doesn’t see any need for a walker, nor understand why I think a split level apartment might not be a good long term choice).”

I will do what I can, when I can, and I guess the rest is out of my control. I am going to TRY and take it easy, in the “take it easy and not have a seizure series every four hours” plan. Don’t worry, the whole “going to go off and do badminton or the Terry Fox run" plan is still on. Just, not getting upset, not talking to Beacon or the likes of them. Taking it easy, trying to get strong enough that a few heart erratics don’t keep making me pass out…..I think it is good to have goals!