Sometimes the fear is all the time, overwhelming in waves, I am scared of everything from my oxygen concentrator failing to being overdrawn in paypal and not being able to understand a calculator enough to figure that out. Then it abates, and I watch T.V. if the eys works, or if not, I stare out. Sometimes I try to read but that goes poorly as my lucid dreaming while I drift off turns a manga into a surreal experience, where figures in the manga come out and are fighting around me in the bathroom. This is not what you want while taking a pee, having zombies from Undead Highschool attacking you.
Good news to pass on. Amazon is having a DVD sale: Fringe, Big Bang, Chuck, and Supernatural as well as Moonlighting (on my wishlist, oddly enough!). Supernatural: The Complete Fourth Season
is $14.95 for example. Which is pretty good.I used to think I watched Supernatural or Chuck or Burn Notice because I liked the ‘Horror Story Movie of the Week’, which I do. But also I like Sam and Dean in Supernatural (I also like it when, in the last season, they end up attending a convention of THEM, where girls have written slash fiction about ‘forbidden love between brothers: tough on the monsters, tender in the motel room’ – the look on Dean’s face was priceless!). I get tired of people that make my skin crawl as the protagonists, the people I am supposed to care about. Sam is good, Dean is funny, and they want to do the right thing (when odd purple prose doesn’t get in their way). I gave up on TV shows on DVD like: Heroes, series 24, Glee, Shield, Tutors, House, Grey’s Anatomy, Lost and Battlestar because I found the Dexter, the sociopath, had more interesting and more rigorous morals than the ‘beautiful people’ of Hollywood TV.
As for doing right, I don’t know when the last person in Heroes or Lost actually did anything good or Heroic (was it when the cheerleader saved the person in the burning train, the second or third episode of season 1?). Because I don't have a TV, I watch DVD's but I didn’t want these people in my apartment much less in my head, like Jack from 24 who seems to need to torture someone every hour on the hour, or those shows where our medical system is seen to be full of doctors who sleep with everyone, work with ex’s, and spend more time worrying about what others think about them than whether they should see a patient.
Human Target, which is also on sale, has a guy who saves the day AND the buildings (usually), not wander around with gossip like LOST. The truth is, I have more in common with The Corner, the HBO emmy award winning series (also on sale), which preceded The Wire, with many of the same characters, than with the ‘beautiful land’ of regular TV where everyone is blackmailed by everyone else while sleeping with their relatives. In The Corner, drug addicts are just that, drug addicts, and selling drugs will get you killed, but what else is there to do, what way is up and out when even the city officials are corrupt. Oh, Homicide Life on the Street season 1 and 2 is on sale as well. It is a TV series based on the book, Murder: life on the streets where the writer who embedded himself for a couple years before the idea of embedding came up. It is real, and it is people getting by, the friend whose faults you know, the guy/gal you know when to tell them to shut up, and they know when you mean it and it doesn’t mean anything.
Why does this matter? Well, because when I am ‘Burning’, like now, these people are all in my head, and I dream them, I lucid dream them, I have dreams while awake, and my fear overwhelms me. And I’d rather be with Sam and Dean and scared, than the world of 24 or Glee where everyone lies, schemes, is working for someone else and has second agendas.
It is hard to read, and to move, I ache, and my ligaments tighten and spasm, or pull so my big toe is going backwards. And because this is all I know for so many days, I don’t know what is anything anymore. This is my now, this is my past, this is what I remember, and I don't know if it gets better. I hope it does. I know that I am trying to get to Sakura-con: Room is books but I need to get the Tickers for Linda and I, and the cost of renewing my passport (since the US now is a gated community). I don’t really think beyond that. I have been down and out for a while, cutting sleep to try and make appointments I think until I can’t do anything at all, and yet every day, another doctor’s appointment or other appointment to get dressed, washed, hair done, the whole 90 minute package, just to leave, and arrive back exhausted. I went too far, and I lay there for a day and night, unable to move before I could come here, write this. Because I guess this is how things are right now. Terrified and paranoid gets so it finishes what exhaustion started. I lie and twitch and quiver and shriek, when I can, and just roll my eyes in terror when I can’t.
I wanted to let you know that I was still alive, or alive for 1 hour a day, ‘burning’ for 10, and out of it for days at a time. But also to let you know about the Amazon DVD sale if you can use that. I live an online life, and found out by accident, so if that works for you – go for it. As for me, I need to get that Sakura-con ticket, and the weeks are running out. But I am selling what I can as I can. Where else can I go to meet someone in lesbian speed dating who got Nimoy (‘Spock’) to autograph her breast, then went and got that as a tattoo? And this year, will go to see Cosplay Chess.
BREAKING NEWS: Linda says we HAVE to buy our tickets before March 20th. However, this weeks money is going to renew passport so it arrives in time for me to go. If you want to help to get Linda's Ticket or Mine, please contact Linda at linda.mcclung at shaw.ca - What would Jack B. do? Probably grab a gun, force the way in and get pardoned by the president - I don't think that is going to work for us.
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