Sulking, wanting pretty things and Sakura-con

If life throws you a disaster there is a tried and tested way to deal with it. First is to sulk, and sulk big time.Stay on the bed and refuse to leave it (when you leave, life starts up again, and life kind SUCKS right now!). The same is true when you end up taking a bath: This one is for all the frog lovers (though remember that is illegal in many states, not Washington however). So, if you are going to sit in lukewarm water and say in a pouty voice when people want to come out, “Don’t WANNA!” which also works when they try to give you food to eat, or that you should get clothes on, etc.

But let’s face it, first crying, then sulking can only last so long (about 6-8 hours off an on in my case and is followed by ‘Well if I can only live so long I might as well have PRETTY things!” Which unfortunately is where my odd ability to have pretty things virtually LEAP off the shelves at me occurs. For instance I am at a store buying HELLO KITTY stuff for presents when this Bustier with matching white thong panties leapt off the shelf at me! As it happens 38-B is a rare size, so it was only $17 down from $60. I tried it on, and Linda liked it. If Linda “likes” it, that means I might get sex. Ergo, I bought it. Sometimes, my logic isn’t really that complex. Also, if I can find cat ears on the first day of the Sakura-con, I can go in the second day as CAT GIRL – I found a picture and I have the stocking, I have the Bustier with the stocking clips, AND the panties, I just need ears and tail.

Back to wanting pretty things, for example, the way I am leaving my WISHLIST link here isn’t that complex – the post sulk state is where one wants to shower yourself or BE SHOWERED with pretty things. I will point out that the Thomas Nene thank you cards I had up before I have used entirely (40 cards written) and these are the only ones left…just mentioning. Also Linda is running out of Romances. She tends to read these as I spend another hour going, “But they HAD the order for IVIG! And I knew they were going to diagnose, did they have to be so, you know, extensive?” – it goes on for a while. Just SAYING. (and yes, I know I am shameless, if I had shame, does that get me treatment? No, so yeah, shameless?”

As for going to Sakura-Con, I leave early tomorrow to get there at opening! And then I am going to go CRAZY! Well until my money runs out (note to self stop by bank and get last of manga money). Cat ears for everyone! I have my outfit prepared, I bought the corset several weeks ago and it fits, like a glove, or so, since my estrogen is getting through now, my breasts are perking up and have grown about a half size in the last week or two, so I hope they keep growing! But too much would ruin the look.

The skirt was sent to me by a reader in America who found it in the UK and it has corset and purple ribbons (sweet!) – and I got from Hot topic the feathers to match it, so I think I am ready to rock and roll (just need to add my tights/stockings – I wish I had black and purple ones! Oh well go with what I have right?). Still pretty cool no? I really have to thank the person who sent the skirt as they found it for me and sent it from the UK in time express mail – as the SIX INCH skirt was no, not too short, but rather didn’t quite fit, so I have my leopard print thong for tomorrow. For underneath.

Linda will be helping me and giving me a VERY close shave tonight down there in Area 51. She has been very helpful with tips like, “If you play the crip card and they STILL don’t give you a discount, then use your hands to cross your legs and uncross them, remember these are anime Otakus (geeks) and may have never seen ‘the promised land’. Then try for the discount.” (I meantioned the 'shameless' right?) Linda is such wise, lovely and understanding spouse. Like when I whipped out my Josei book (I have two on the wishlist, they are heterosexual sex themed manga and I was asking some people at dinner, “Is this really possible, I mean her leg is almost touching the ceiling!” and the woman looked at me and went, “So?” The rest kind of left PG behind so I will leave that for another day (get me a Luv Luv book and I can email YOU questions…..or not, it is your choice!).

I am writing up the last list of things to do and things to look for at Sakura-con, I hope I have a great time and I take pictures and I get everyone cat ears or rabbit ears or fox ears or something FUN! I think we all need more fun (says a person who has to return to many, many doctor appointments – uh, need lots more fun!).

To finish the day, as we left the van coming back into Cheryl’s house we saw two deer eating the lawn. Which I think is fine with us and Cheryl. Here is one leaving by the Cherry (Sakura) tree. Does this bode well for Sakura? I think so!

I hope you all have a great weekend, thank you for your support and Raccoon, I would not ask you to go to a Yaoi convention, Yuri however, I think you would enjoy a LOT! Meanwhile, I have an hour of body shaving and squeezing into a corset ahead of me! Looking casually fabulous takes time you know!

Lost, sexy bra and panties, Bisen, Shitajiki, beauty

This is going to be an image heavy post, sorry for those one dial up, but I promise it will be worth the wait (tune in tomorrow for the Lesbian Sleepover Part II – that one will be REALLY worth the wait!).

I want to talk about something that is very disability related and then about something a little lighter. I have been having a hard time. Because though Linda is home, I am more often the caregiver than she is as not a day has gone by when the phone or email has not left an eight hour mess on our door. And I’m not going to talk about THAT, what I want to talk about is what it does to a person with a disability.

I went to badminton, and won the games, the last game, I threw myself out of the chair, made the hit, over the net, screaming, “Play on, play on!” I had positioned myself to tip forward so I thrust myself back and up, and we went on and won the point, winning the game, 15-13. In that game I also made a hit that had my chair at a 45 degree angle off the floor, but I had enough trunk control and it slammed back down. I overheard the other side going, “I was sure it was a winner but that girl in the wheelchair…..I mean, she went off the floor……and her arms as so long…I was sure.”

The problem was, I couldn’t come home. I sat in that lobby and home was the place where I had a medical appointment in seven hours, it was where I had to help write email messages to government, where Linda was getting sicker in front of my eyes. Where everything of joy turned to ash in front of me. I simply could not go home. So I sat there in my chair for an hour crying. I was actively suicidal, when I finally moved. I rolled into the road wanting to be hit. I rolled past some bums and I felt so numb I WANTED them to attack me, wanted them to rape me because then I would be in the hospital and not have to go home (my body was so numb and so bent on self destruction - if you haven't felt it I don't know how to explain that). It took me 80 minutes to go the three blocks and then I cried at home, and then I got to work for five hours, dealing with the days crap. I had nightmares. We are three days away from our current financial crisis (I can’t remember what it is but read back and it was a computer), but we don’t know if Linda is even going to receive a paycheck and we are going to have rent. This is life. A new day, a new call from an investigator who can’t answer a simply question, “Under whose authority were you originally hired, because I can’t find the authorization for your hiring or your investigation.” This is a investigator who is to collect all the evidence and anecdotes from Linda who will then take it to the people who are currently discriminating against her. So I worked for eight straight hours on that.

And then I stopped breathing. I stopped breathing for a LONG time. Linda had to do mouth to mouth. I saw a doorway and shapes rushing through but as much as I tried to get to the doorway I couldn’t. Everyone was just passing me by. And then I started breathing on my own again. I didn’t want to live because I had lost sight of beauty and joy. I believe with fighting insurance companies, or various agencies, sometimes, it seems easier, if we just ‘accidentally’ didn’t stop in time for traffic. I came home and two of my fingers were black. Another day. Do I do anything about them? Linda did. It was severe frostbite. I had that feeling of heaviness, of not knowing how to go on, of not knowing and not wanting to know what the future holds. It is beyond depression into a blank numbness. I went to sleep by dreaming I was thrown into a giant pit, falling in darkness forever. This is as close to comfort as I had.

And I got up, and I stared out and nothing had changed. There was/is still more complex emails to write, and I was in an empty space with nothing. But I go on. The look of confusion, of blankness is because now my memory trap, due to stressed and frequent seizures has diminished to only a few hours of memory. I literally live in a blank field.

But that doesn’t mean that beauty doesn’t exist. I was sent this letter from someone, I don’t know yet because I haven’t opened it. honestly, I find it so mysteriously wonderful I don’t know how TO open it. To destroy such beauty, would there be anything inside worth the feeling that the beauty gives me; which is to care about something again?

Also recently, I received from someone I communicated with on-line, some Bisen. Bisen is art of stationary which is produced by artists, in fact, some artists go on to be very, very famous. But in the early days, they make an art print and due to the extremely high quality of Japanese Paper, they can reproduce color so high that it can’t be reproduced in North America. Some of it is watercolor, other ink, some abstract, some detailed. And while it is very thin stationary, like a bond weight of 5 maybe, it can only be bought at these expos and shows and so collectors or people like me who buy them and then send them on to others, can only get more by contacting and swapping what they have with other collectors.

This particularly paper, a single sheet is from the famous group “Green Glass” and from their ‘Jewels’ series, called Pearl.
This is from a less known artist who prefers drawing with watercolor, and less detailed but cute in it’s own way.

This piece here was the reason I was excited and went out today to get them laminated (I get a very thin laminate on them to stop them going downhill as just a thumb pushing too hard with crease them forever! Something the MANAGER who dealt with me today couldn’t seem to understand. Indeed, he claimed not really to laminate until I told him I came EVERY week – it was less than customer based service). There is a series called the Gown Series by Green Glass, there is Blue, there is Pink and there is White. I have never seen White even in pictures but a person had a Pink, so I traded for it and it arrived and I was pretty excited, so I REALLY don’t want a guy with butter on his fingers to ruin this piece of art. I know, I get excited about silly things, but Bisen isn’t expensive, it is just very, very hard to collect. And truthfully, I tend to give most of what I get away!

I also, with the Bisen got a Shitajiki board (also known as a Pencil Board – I give these away too!). These cost between $5 and $45 dollars, are made of a laminate and have pictures on them. Often they are to promote a particular game or anime. This one is to promote a store, these two girls are going off to a comi-fest (you can see the catalogue in their arms), and on the back is a list and map of the stores. One is dressed with cat ears and the lesbian overtones of course had NO BEARING on why I might have bought this (I can't see Linda and I in this board at all, no no, no - what do you mean "da' Nile ain't just a river in Egypt?")

Other Shitajiki boards are created by stores for special events where they hire famous artists. This is an example of a board like that. (she's so CUTE! But *ahem*, I showed it becuase of the Autumn theme in it, honest!). Because they boards have two sides, the artists can make two images and that is sort of the fun of getting the boards, they are permanent art, which never fades (What? You see lesbian overtones in that too! No, the reason I keep getting art of two women is um, an odd accident, some sort of eye problem, I think!). Some of the boards are turned into postcards and I have sent quite a few of those out (about 50 or so). I also frame some of the boards and send those out. I find them to be lovely and a reasonable present of personal art from a named artist.

Some Bisen (the paper stationary) are special, there are called, “Puzzle Pictures” because each paper is a separate image, but if you can get BOTH images, and put them together, then you get a third image. Here is the first Puzzle Picture I have been able to complete: so a boy playing with a plane and a boy with a cat instead become a larger picture. I am working with the framers to see how this can be framed safely.

Okay, enough! As some people say, I am a little Japan crazy. Not true, I just find them pretty. And right now, I like pretty. In fact, while Linda and I were taking this picture I was like, “Why is it WE don’t have matching bra and panty sets like this!” I have to admit I like the purple butterfly, no matter how impossible/itchy that might be if you tried to wear jeans – but then I think these are a bra and panty set for people to take OFF, not on, right? Anyway, she agreed and we are looking forward to the sale at Victoria Secret after Xmas – BRING US THE PURPLE TINGED BRA AND PANTY SETS! Oddly, I am actually the short one in this picture becuase you notice her staring at Linda's breasts. Linda's breasts are like the sunset, while they go on day after day, they are so beautiful that I could stare at them all the time. Okay back to Victoria Secret, which is fun because there are rooms and room and then finally the changing room and I have a friend who calls it “The candy store” because you can get so much there that looks delish! But also in some mid room is a VERY uncomfortable looking male who is trying to stare BACKWARDS into his skull while three feet away two 21 year olds are trying to find bras in the C basket. Because his girlfriend is trying things on and if he is caught oogling when she returns….poor guy. Besides that the WALLS are pink, there is pink everywhere and he is outnumbered about 100 to 1 by women. I feel sorry for the guys and think like some stores have for children, Victoria Secret should have a room with lounge chairs and plaid walls and magazines on electronics where men can be deposited.

Right now Linda and I are trying to get buy, minute by minute, hour by hour. We take our little pleasures (like stealing food from each other – woot!). And though I don’t know what day it is, I keep on. I have worked and now I will go sleep, though it is past 5:00 am.

I hope soon, that I will be able to see some sky and sun and beauty and while I will look a bit like this, bewildered by it all, I will learn to adjust that not everything is going to attack me, it just that some days seem like that. Too many days. But the sun will come.

Pedophiles, seizures, ripped muscles, and another hot disability sex pic...or two!

I know when my day opens with a person who openly says they are a pedophile and has naked sexual images of children and has a rant about sex between adults and children isn’t wrong! And want me to put that on my blog, that this isn’t going to be the greatest day. And THAT is why I have comment moderation – because I don’t my blog closed down so one person can stand up for their right to have sex with 10 years olds in the comments (they did sign their name however). Hey dude, what you talk about is illegal under EU regulations, recheck your laws!

I had several clonic-tonic seizures or “Grand Mal’s” the night before which caused extreme pain today – extreme pain last night. See, ripped muscles in your arms, and ripped shoulders hurt and don’t get solved by a nerve pain blocker. So today, I could hardly move, much less use my hands much. Which is why I worked for….8 hours straight on postcards! Because I am an idiot! No, I mean “I am I am plucky and determined” (No! I am an idiot! And determined!). So I can barely type. Which means there will be a brief break while I try not to scream for the next eight to ten hours.

Then I will write a nice morning blog, and maybe put up the ‘other pictures’ from our dress up – yup, we wheeled upstairs, changed and then did it again. Or maybe I will include one here just as a “I’m sorry” (the truth is, as time goes on, I will keep blogging but I will also be more and more damaged or in pain, sorry!).

If you don’t see the pic, wait a few minutes as it is being processed. Thank you for all the positive comments on my hair and that (not so sure about the overwhelming support for me going into sex work but um, thanks for supporting my choices….but not quite yet, eh?). Okay, this is consentual sex between adults, or consentual sexy poses done for the amusement of myself and my sister Cheryl and Linda ("Those pictures are MINE!"), not like the guy who started my morning, Mr. "What is so wrong with me having sex looking at naked children?" (Shudder!)

Okay, if you look closely I am being supported by the tree behind me and a stool, which I am covering mostly, so it looks like I am just STANDING, au natural, but I am actually held up in two directions. So this is still "disability sexy" just without the chair. First we have the poor, demure and innocent schoolgirl (with her hint of thong showing!). Does anyone believe that?
The problem is when your sis (Cheryl) is saying things like, "Hey that guy just walked into a pole!" or "Is is wrong to feel kinda tingly about your own sis?" it is hard to keep in "character" so Linda caught me when I almost fell off the stool and tree laughing. It does make a nice picture though, and they were there to steady me before continuing our...um....'project'. (Donations for further pictures accepted in discreet envelopes - that includes pictures of the PVC outfit! Go Anime girl go!)

If you have no idea what I am talking about, look at the last post. Apparently when they did my hair, the chemicals sat on my head too long, making me do things like this...in public!