Screw Bronze: Zombie Edition plus me scared.

I am wearing an eye-patch (ARRRG!) and not really sure what day it is because I am not doing well. What stupid phrases we have, “not doing well.” Okay, normally when I have a ‘good’ day it means I can dress myself mostly and maybe go outside and a ‘bad’ day means I feel pain all day and feel like crap. But see, those are all above the critical thresh-hold called, “life sustaining.” Which right now I am dipping in and out of.
Yesterday, or recently I had a little bad medical thing, which became a big bad medical thing, which then became a bigger thing and started to include significant blood loss and other systems and suddenly it is past 5:00 am and I did not know know if I would be able to breathe off oxygen or when I lay down to sleep. I really hate being afraid, or terrified. Slow dying=no fun (remember that kids!).

I lay down to sleep anyway.

During the night part of my heart collapsed (an atrophied ventrical) and Linda had to pull my body over onto my back and help me breath, it felt and tasted like I choking in blood. That wasn't fun. Then after I did sleep a long time and got ‘better’, upon waking I kept passing out: or to be accurate I lost control of my autonomic system which included consciousness, breathing, and sluggy heart beating. Linda and Cheryl were on the phone: it was ‘if this happens’ or ‘if this doesn’t stop happening’ then we go to hospital. Because when you have black fingers and hands AFTER 8 hours of sleep, and stop breathing I would need to have a tube down my throat in hopes it would keep me alive.

So today was ‘rest day.’ Except I did a blog post for the Postcard Project and a few other things (like spending a few hours starting my sale of manga to raise money). So the rest part will start really soon (honest) because I am past the ‘little better’ and back to passing out again (like I just looked at the clock and lost 40 minutes somewhere…put on Twilight Zone music). Plus I don’t want to go to hospital tonight.

So I am no longer in the nice somewhat stable ‘remission’ section (though Linda goes, “What remission? X is degenerating, Y is getting worse, and Z, sheesh, that doesn’t work at all!” – hey, I never got my remission, so now I am having one, okay!). Instead I am back in the sucky, “I really hope I don’t die this morning” which moves to “this afternoon” and “this night.” I am stuck, here in this body and apartment because if ANYTHING goes wrong, like I don’t sleep well or I don’t get enough liquids or even my body decides to have some seizures, I just start tipping toward de-compensation (dying). Turns out like my computer data, I don’t have a back up (body).

I am sure I will be back inside, in the land of ‘remission’, and people will stop acting so scared and have voices go up several octaves when things happen. I hope that happens soon. So I am determined to read ALL the manga I have.....when I don’t fall head first into the book. And I will staying in bed tomorrow. (oops, there goes Linda passing out from surprise!) As I am having too many problems breathing. But I am still making choices right(‘should I gasp and fall sideways in the study or the bedroom?’)? And if I could think of a good joke about it all, I would say it (boy will Booth Gardner be pissed if I show up in a black body bag?!).

See ya! Don’t worry, I HAVE to live, I have an art book from Akadot coming, and I need to take pictures from the book for the blog. And I hear it is REALLY hard to blog once dead. Screw Bronze: Zombie Edition. (whisper: 'not dead yet')

N.D.Y., cats and the name game.

I am sick, I am very, very sick. I am on a re-breather oxygen mask and I’m not really expecting things to get better soon (purplish-black is so much better for hand/arm color anyway!). I keep telling people, “If you know anyone making a zombie film, let them know I can be an extra and they don’t have to pay for make-up!” That is my next few days.

So that is the down side. The other down side is I have an Angelina Jolie action film and I am TOO sick to watch that – now that is the true face of desperate times!

Okay the good news is my new motto: N.D.Y. (Not Dead Yet) – Someone asked me how it was going, “N.D.Y.” – anything above N.D.Y. is a good thing. Not always a FUN thing but still a good thing, right? So say it with me, “Not Dead Yet!” No, I’m not dead yet.....but I won’t be blogging tomorrow either, that’s for sure!

Okay, the other good news is that I am now a kitty owner….of sorts. Yes, one of my readers, bought me a plushie kitty, while another one of my readers bought me an anime hat, you know the ones you wear on the way to the Anime Con. Yes, I am now, one of ‘them’, the people you try not to stand next too on the bus. But here I am on the day I got the gifts, one of my better hours of a not so bad day (one seizure cycle later at night). See, this is the advantage of being Dead Girl Wheeling, is that I finally get to wear hats with ears without being aged 5 or 8 and I don’t give a darn what anyone thinks (oh, no, do you think this picture might not help me with my career!?). And I can go all anthropomorphic with my kitty (acting as if an inanimate object was a living thing – you know, like people do when they yell at their computer!) and plan all sorts of outing like watching falling stars and whatever we can imagine. The reality will be that I will likely hold it when, a) I am watching DVD’s, b) I am scared (25% of the day), c) post seizure or d) when I am stroking it slowly while instructing my minions.

I wish I had some great story that I saved my kitten from a burning house and that is why it came to live with me instead of being gifted. Maybe that comes later, when one of my loving care workers smokes next to my oxygen mask, which is on maximum oxygen continuous flow.

I do however have one problem. The kitty came named (tag on it) Paws. Which is ludicrious, it is like calling my cat ‘nose’ or ‘fur.’ So now I, instead of Tammy, need some help in naming my new addition. What do I call my kitty (female by the way, sarcastic and mildly telepathic)? And anyone suggesting something like “Mr. Mittens” will be taken out back and pelted with Beatrix Potter books. Please, I need help. As all I have so far I have, “Death by a thousand scratches.” Which is not going to be easy to call for her to leap into my lap (no I know it doesn’t leap, I pick it up, still……).

Anyway, I want to take good care of my cat so it can grow up to be a catgirl of which I a proud, and go off after graduating whatever school all those catgirls go to in order to become maids or whatever else. So 1) help with a name and 2) try not to die until I see Angelina Jolie slide across the floor one more time.