Victoria Snow Day! Bus accidents and Linda blown home

Snow Day! The AVERAGE temperature for this day over the last 30 years is 8 degrees C (50’s), but it is blowing snow hard, accidents abound, it is with wind, a temp of –17 C., and the library as well as most offices have closed early. It is an official ‘snow day’ and not the kind of NICE snow days I remember as a kid.
I remember snow days where lots of snow fell and the snow plows couldn’t plow all the roads so school was cancelled. I don't remember THIS kind, where the roads were snowed over in an hour, then frozen by the wind while the wind blew light cars and trucks into the oncoming lanes and traffic.

Here is a Victoria Transit Bus which slid backwards downhill causing a 12 car pileup (weather network: you think I wheeled out to verify?).This is one of the hazards of working in Transit, that regardless of weather, you don’t show up for work, you don’t get paid AND you get a mark on your record. But then, since Victoria is essentially a mountain top which sticks out of the sea, almost all routes have hills, and some very severe hill slopes (particularly near the university). On an icy road, it is impossible, particularly with a double decker bus to make it up the top of the hill, regardless that the number 14 and number 11 are the two most common bus routes. A crash is a suspension as is flipping over a bus (which happened last time it snowed like this here, I saw the bus).

Linda and I had planned to go to the library as I wanted to go wheeling. Linda told me when giving me my pills that there was no point, as it was snowing and she went at 2:00. So here is Victoria a month ago, and the 'good sun days', while here is poor Linda by the time she got towards the library: the major road she was on had disappeared under the white. And while there the library announced it was closing due to snow. Since to get to the library I have to go up and then down a hill, wheeling there is a worry. Going up is not the worry (if possible) so much as the short and steep hill near home, as little skinny wheels can make a great sled downhill, with just about as much control and yelling as I had when flying toward the road on a sled as a kid.

I was up late today due to a 3.5 hour nap to try and make up for the lack of sleep on the weekend when I did postcards. I had tried to ‘push’ my body by shaving hours of sleep and working mostly through the night. It seems that the pain may be under control but not my health as what I could do previous, I cannot do now: I had a seizure and was paralyzed for a while and had to sleep and try again in the morning. But we did get 71 postcards done, and with the 39 done last week that makes for 110 postcards in two weeks.Postcards in winter are a good thing (summer for those down under).

This weekend was all postcards, but last weekend we had gone to the Award Winning carver of soap, often written up in newspapers, as she has a two weekend Xmas sale. She had her usual lemons, pears and Asian pears but also some Xmas tangerines as well. Plus she sells bars of her all-natural soap in blackberry, kiwi-lime and a host of other delightful scents (the blackberry sells out quickly while the kiwi-lime is very addictive, Linda got us both). She carves the clams and seashells of the seashore we are used to seeing, as both soap carvings and right into her bars of soap. And because she lets me come early, so I avoid blocking the whole Xmas house she has made, I was able to get one of the carved vellum books, with a seashell in the cover, all carved from soap. I am a bibliophile, even when it is soap, all things books related make me hum. I also got one of her ‘mini fruit’ samplers, which have a mini pear, lemon and tangerine all in one as they smell lush and look great.The soap sampler makes a great Xmas present for putting by the bathroom. I estimated that the sampler and the carved vellum books (of which there were only four) would go quickly, and not be seen until next year (not that I am a 'hoarder' or the like). I have done most of my shopping for Xmas presents, I just need to be able to arrange to mail them out now.

I can see why many Canadians go south for the winter, particularly if this very atypical weather continues. While many would blame global warming, I prefer to use the ‘buzz phrase’ from 10 or 15 years ago and blame ‘El Nino’ which, if flowers turned out smaller or the plums were lopsided, everyone would go, “El Nino!” which made no sense to me then or now. Global Warming makes more sense to me, but since it involves several hundred million people dying, I prefer to live in a fantasy about that; though with wheeling, and my cycling and running before that, I actually clean the air by sucking all that smog into my lungs and breathing out clean carbon dioxide. If I could stick a tree in the backpack of my wheelchair, I think we would have an oxygen balance….if I could ever wheel anywhere with a tree attached to my wheelchair.

Good day for staying inside and watching the snowwhile holding some mulled wine, going to use that mulled wine mix we picked up in Chatto’s in Pasadena (Linda made us a cup of red mulled wine last night with it and it was Yum!). And hopefully it will soon return to the 'kind and feathery' snow that is associated with 'white Xmas', cat girls and Robert Frost poems as opposed to 'The Cremation of Sam MeGee' style snow, which is blowing in our window cracks now.

Three things the world needs, starting with Victoria Secret lingerie and me

I went to the doctor today after only a few hours sleep (long story but short oxygen capacity), and it turns out, that I am really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY SICK. Wow, I know, could have knocked me down with a feather, well, you can do that most days but you know what I mean. So, I am going to see a whole bunch of specialists or get referred because my health needs to be taken to a whole NEW level of ASS-covering, I mean the care and doctor’s oath and non-malpractice suits. By the way, if anyone in BC wants to sue me for libel of our fine system, please due so, I will be representing myself at the BC supreme court from inside the tin can (‘urn’ Linda says).

So while I am going to see all these specialists, lets instead look at what you really came for: yes, me and lingerie. So, without further ado, here is it, me, rooting away, looking for the tastefully sex depraved look (or was the sex-DEPRIVED look!) at Victoria Secret. I know, you wanted to see me IN the thongs, well, don’t worry, that is coming, this is called: foreplay.

By the way, I am in very bad condition, as in, I can’t do a blog I have been working on for two days, but try again tomorrow, okay. So this is the filler. Because I really am in VERY bad condition: seizure cycles and all sorts of fun stuff, like falling over sitting down and I think there was having my head spin around and pea soup come out, and then crawling up the wall like a spider….no wait, remind me to tell Linda NOT to play the film The Exorcist when I am sick.

So I am taking it easy because while the first thing the world needs is more of me in Victoria Secret (and manga – hint hint – wishlist – hint, hint!), the second thing the world needs more of is me. Yeah, that’s right, meglo-maniacal me! I think this place is better with me in it. It is a personal opinion but one I sit by. Also, when I am dead, we can test it out whether I was right or not. Plus, who else but I gets to wake up in the morning to this as a response to an essay I wrote following my trying to break up Pedophile Rings with the London and Cardiff police:

“This is coming from a homo-SEXUAL. Dear, you've put your sexual desires ahead of morals too. It's like listen to an pot-head lecture about crack addicts. So please, enjoy yourself till Judgment, and stop judging.”

Wow, I love being on a continent where someone can not only condemn me, tell me THEY will be there to judge me but imply that there is nothing wrong with THEM having sex with 8-10 year olds because they are CHRISTIANS (and fundamentalists to boot?). Dude, when someone is smashing a TV with a baseball bat, it isn’t “judging” to say, “That’s bad for the TV.” So when someone does the same sexually to a child, it isn’t judging to say, “Maybe you are sick in the head and need the kind of counseling the Metropolitan London Police can provide!” So that was my wake up mail, sort of an honor in a way, to meet the only person never to masturbate ever (that’s what ‘put your sexual desires ahead’ meant right? Or was it the sex between two legally married people? Or sex at all. I am always confused how the people who are the most AGAINST all the types of sex think the world gets populated anyway?.... it is with lesbians and fertility clinics, that’s how!)

Anyway, we can leave all that behind us and focus on what else the world needs, and that is more Catgirls. I have to love this one because this is Catgirl is either going to first year or getting ready to go to college/Uni – yup, our punk leaning Catgirl who wears the cut off Collar just to make the older Catfolk turn and tut-tut this young Cats today what with the piercings, the painted nails, and the general attitude. Well, it really takes us back (except for people who are AT uni teaching them every day, sorry, they do grow out of it). Look at me, I am almost out of my goth/punk/tramp stage!

So, if I sit REALLY, REALLY still tomorrow, I might be able to get the blog done. You will like it, I assure you. There is nudity! Woot!

Lesbians, catgirls, cabin fever and kittens

First off, a blog post note from Linda about how we are CUT OFF!!!! That’s right, total cabin fever in the winter. Living on an island, no way to post for 10 days and no way to the Hello Kitty store....yes, it was only a matter of time until I snapped and was reduced to this: Making miniature snowgirls.

I have NO idea why the animals, like cute bunnies, hang around me, or off of me, of course it COULD be the warm buns I was carrying (and accidently dropping)? No, I am sure that was a coincidence. These images are from my favorite set of images from the game Snow. I don’t like snow atually (frostbite!), but the girl and the bunnies sure are cute, no?

Okay, so when the boat runs again in 12 days, we are going to be tweaking for entertainment pretty bad, which is why I did an update for everyone of the Wishlist. I focuses on entertainment like some more light romances (the fluff stuff) for Linda and the same sort of manga for me. And a couple TV series on sale that are highly recommended. There is actually a book there that is 450 pages long, so that would be good to help me try to read more each day: I admit it is manga, but hey, if I START with pictures, I will work my way up to words, right? What, what, don't leave, there is also a REAL book, okay it is a TEEN book but those are the best! It is called Memoirs of Teenage Amnesiac, and as a person with large sections of years missing I have strong interest in this book. Naomi (main character) hits her head and loses several years of memory. She lives without memory, falls in love and reexamines her life as a stranger. Except now the memories are returning and she already HAS a boyfriend, and a bunch of friends of habits and ideas that the 'new' Naomi doesn't. So who is real, the Naomi now, or the Naomi of her memories? As a person who constantly has people project who I USED to be or versions they knew of me onto me, I can definitely relate to learning about your own life second hand. “I did what? I said what? No, there is no way I said that?” Is a common phrase by me in our house. What if you could only remember a day, how much would you have to believe or trust others interpretations of who you are? Welcome to Elizabeth Land! You can get the book for a $5 plus postage (send it to me when you are done!).

Please take mercy on Linda, and order her books (1 cent a book?), as after two solid weeks trapped on an island with ME, pure concentrated undiluted ME and she WILL need some fantasy land relaxation.

Okay on to the serious, I have to make amends, because I made a promise here, on this blog and I intend to fulfill it, or as close as I can right now! I warned you that I would reveal all, that I would show the delectable I collected in Seattle (actually I am wearing Hello Kitty Panties this minutes, which I received through the mail? So yeah, keep the lingerie coming! And I will keep the pictures coming!). So here it is, me, exposed, as from my last ‘official’ school picture day: Yes, I am sticking my tongue out and wearing a bathing suit but it is SPIRIT of shocking and appalling everyone that matters right? I honestly will try to put up a picture tomorrow of me, the real me, rooting through the Victoria Secret skimpy panties hoard (I think it was in a special pile next to the Slut, Thong, and Eatable baskets of panties).

First off let’s check in with Linda and myself, because we have a serious topic to discuss with you; one involving community, life, love and …………BOOBIES? Hey! Yeah, you two! Try to limit that kind of stuff for the bedroom, or at least the park, the car, the little fort at the top of the children's slide, the trails in the forest (remember the time I tried to convince you to take off your clothes and use MOSS as a mattress?), the restaurants, and on the lawn of anyone who has a “Love the sinner; hate the sin” bumper sticker! Golly, Linda’s boobies are so soft and delectable, I could chase them all day. Seriously, they are miracle boobies which change every time I grope, fondle, grasp and enclose them. Firm but with just the right amount of give, and unlike a cantaloupe you don’t need to thwack them with a finger to hear that hollow sound. If I do that she thwacks my head.

Okay, now that the small fun is out of the way we move on to the serious fun which is introduced here by our snow girl with kitty ears who is eating MEN’s Pocky! Food is actually gender segregated in Japan (seriously) so dark chocolate is listed as “men’s” ergo dark chocolate pocky is ‘men’s pocky.’ It is assumed that men like BITTER things and girls like sweet things, so if a guy ordered a parfait in a restaurant, they would likely pretend they didn’t hear him. Girls get milk tea, guys get COFFEE. This is a mainstay joke of anime or manga that if anyone changes gender they immediately head off to the nearest café and eat all the food they aren’t normally allowed due to social custom. Hey, I don’t make the rules!

Now a while ago I suggested for an upcoming weekend, that people go out and DELIBERATELY do something for someone else. Not a spontaneous act of kindness, but planned. One of my readers, Tammy (she comments!) sort of went overboard and as things fell into place the Grant County Cat and Kitten Rescue was born. Yeah, she started an animal shelter. Talk about an overachiever! She rescues cats with disabilities, deaf cats, and cats with depression issues, she went to a neighboring town to stop a cute calico cat from being put down and killed by the shelter there. She adopts cats out after paying for testing, spaying and neutering HERSELF (sort of keeps her working...a lot). Right now she is struggling, like any start-up; her tax-free charity papers are in the system and she needs to find rent for the building next to the vet clinic because she has 19 cats and three kittens to look after, along with her volunteers and helping vet. Sorry, that should read 19 cats, three kittens and one human to look after. Yes, I was adopted into Tammy’s Rescue Program. She is a sucker for those damaged and despondent. So she has adopted me and given me a job; name the kittens that just were born. And here are our heroes:
The first is a grey female who mews for food are not only louder than the other kittens combined but LOWER than the male. Well, that sounded like a girl who would end up riding a motorcycle to me. There really has only ever been one name for the bossy, louder, take no sass grey: Kate. So, in making me part of something outside of my little room, it gave me a reason to keep on living. Here is Kate trying to get some privacy and some sleep. She eats the most and is still the loudest. They are only just now struggling to open their eyes, so soon we will know what color eyes they have.

The second kitten was a boy with white feet and while I was NOT going to suggest Socks I was trying to find a name that was like Soot or Chimney Sweep. But I ended up giving two names and the winner was Wyn, a common male welsh name for males that means white or pure seemed the best fit. You say it like Wind but without the D at the end, Wyn. The kittens have just mastered purring. I find it interesting that they learn how to purr before they can open their eyes.

But there was a quiet sweet female who always waited silent and patient to be fed. She has a sweet and kind soul, and while she isn’t the runt, she sure isn’t KATE. In the end, I gave some options but it ended up being (I know I am going to get comments about this), Qwen. Qwen is a Welsh female name that means Fair (meaning pretty) and pure. So she is Qwen. She was also the first to learn to purr, and purrs as soon as you touch her and while she is quiet in demanding attention she has the loudest purr. Here she is snuggling up to Wyn.
So that is the stories so far of these these three kittens (who won’t be up for adoption for several weeks as they need to have solid food first!). I was hoping you could give TAMMY your comment (for all the nighttime feeding she has done, just for THESE three) for her work to create the Cat and Kitten rescue. You just have to click here, then hit ‘Sign In’ and leave a comment. Everyone likes to get feedback, particularly on our work of love!

So that was how Tammy sucked one human into her adoption project. And if you are in the USA, you can slip into the post anything from dried food to catnip, from pet stain remover to Frontline to her. Certainly there are some cat owners with unused kitten supplies, who can slip it in a $3 first class envelope. Some of it might even qualify for media mail. Her wishlist is HERE, and if you scroll ALL the way down to the bottom you can make a paypal donation. I don’t know if it is tax-deductible yet (those forms take a slow move through the government bowels) so I recommend only donating your $50-100 now and then come back to donate the thousand dollars later. What? It’s TAX DEDUCTABLE!

Seriously there is something amazing about cats, maybe because they have the honestly we don’t. Like this catgirl at a festival and his disappointment. They let you try to catch goldfish with a paper scoop at the festival and if you go too fast, it breaks. This catgirl is very sad, but I am not sure if the goldfish shouldn’t be glad. Cats always seems very, um, interested in fish.

Here is a scene that anyone who has had a cat can recognize. No, it isn’t the girl is staring off in silent contemplation, it is that the kitten has started playing with the ‘food giver’ and then decided that this nice plushy thing would be great to extend her claws on! Yes, the breast attack! That look on the face and the book completely secondary to these INTENSE sensations, as a friend of mine would say as her cat jumped on her lying down, “Not the claws, not the claws!” For guys, imagine a kitty jumping in your lap and then needing to knead and extend her claws a bunch of times before making herself comfortable. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Not the claws!

Cats and I have a lot in common; we both cough up hair balls, and we both like having our fur petted the RIGHT WAY (okay, that sounded REALLY dirty), and we both don’t like the water. But here is a catgirl who sure must love someone a LOT as she waits in the rain to give an umbrella to her love. See, that’s one good things cats are good at (besides making you give them food); loving. I think that is why lesbians like them (and dogs!).

And here we have our two junior lesbians out on a date which has gone slight wrong, with a bit of slip. The one laughing I’ll bet is named Kate! Anyway, this will be a good memory later in their life, meanwhile the kitten is going, “Help! Hey, get some control down there, this is SERIOUS! WATER!”

Of course, then we get into the lesbian catgirls. This is the kind of askew that I can never get my clothes to look, that sort of sexy, perfect askew. They both look like they are post SOMETHING but she has perfect stockings showing, they aren’t even pushed down? Oh well, they say that practice makes perfect....get over here Linda.....BOOBIES!

We leave the cats to the world that they inhabit and we get to share. They are mysterious, they are loveable, they are independent, they are cats. And it would be a poorer world without them. Due to Tammy I don’t know how many but many cats have been adopted after love and medical care. Thank you Tammy.

Catgirls, comfort food, books and other good things

I am sick.

That’s a reality which I have never really faced totally until now. I always knew I was unable to walk or losing function or going to die….someday, or someday…..soon. But not today. And so I never dealt WITH today. I am sick today. I am sick tomorrow. I will ALWAYS be sick.

Right now, I am damaged both physically and mentally. I hope that if I allow myself to take care of myself and allow others to help, both of those might be better. And that is a good thing! I have a hard time asking for help because it seems to me that people’s generosity already far exceeds my worth. But if you know how to help me, or want to help me, mentally, physically, I dunno, telepathically! I am asking for help, for me. Because I don’t want to be broken anymore.

This is what makes me happy. It hurt to write and do them, yes, but soon I won’t be able to remember that. And to have this picture, to be able to see these postcards going out to where they CAN make a difference: where they can help. That matters.

I expressed some of my feelings yesterday. I, in no way wanted anyone to feel guilty, what I expressed was the mental issues faced by a single person, Elizabeth, who has growing mental/brain problems, including emotional lability and loss of memory. She is in pain, she sometimes takes things personally that are not personal. And every weekend, even if five people told her Monday and Tuesday how much they liked her postcards, she or rather I, would not remember what postcard they are talking about. And three days later by Thursday/Friday, I would not know that there had been ANY positive feedback. And yet, I go on. Because it is a GOOD IDEA. Postcards rock!

So, right now, my entire plan of recovery is a) try and not push myself more than 110-140% instead of the 200-225% I normally do each day. And b) to try and FIND good things, remember good things. In fact, what I think about to sleep are my kitten. I don’t HAVE a kitten. But I pretend I do.

Okay, here is something I got from Veralidaine which I actually told her, “Hey, as my cousin, if I don’t get this, I will writhe in the agony from not having it!” until she emailed that she got it for me. It is a Rubber Stamp from Stamp Oasis of the Amazon Woman! We tried it in all colors and Green is best so far. It rocks. Normally I don’t say, “Hey, I got this from this person because every gift and everything that people do for me is special.” But since I basically exploited her for it, I wanted her to at least get credit for my emotional family blackmail (welcome to the family Veralidaine!). I love my wild Amazon woman with wild hair, and her bow.

The first thing to do in trying to get better, according to the EFM plan, is to try and escape your PRESENT life. Because if you are like me, I am so over committed that can I even admit openly, “Sorry, I am sick, I can’t do that appointment?” No. So I am running away. Okay, since it snowed again, I can’t wheel away so I am mentally running away – it is the thought that counts!

First off, I would like to spend some time with my books and my bed. This didn’t happen today, but I hope it will. I want to just have a day where I get up, brush my hair (who wants bed hair, really?), and then grab the hospital tray, fill it with manga (the pictures are nice to look at!) and head back to bed. Of course, that is usually when home care tries to come and get you out of bed or decided to wash your cutlery by dropping it from five feet if the sound is right (how CAN they wash stuff so loudly?).

I have always had a love for books and I used to walk and read at the same time. I used to bicycle and read at the same time. For some reason, when walking I would always stop about 2 inches from a pole, then see it, go around and continue reading. People would come up to me and say, “I saw you reading and walking….and you are still alive!” like it was the most amazing thing in the world. I don’t go anywhere without a book. And this picture right here is what I looked like from grade 5 to finishing my doctorate. This image is from a great shitajiki board that I plan to have framed because it is so me, overflowing with books. I got this from David, who sells Shitajiki (pencil boards – laminated art basically to put between stationary sheets) from $6 to $25-$40. What he sells goes to fund the Japan Cat Network, which can be helped here. David let me know that this board was available as it is a rare board, and he thought it suited my personality (am I that transparent? YES!). As an aside, if you have a bottle of Revolution, the cat medicine, can you please ship it to me, at

Elizabeth McClung
P.O. Box 2560
Port Angeles, WA
98362

This is the current number one need for David (costs more than cat food for him) and I will pay for shipping of any bottles airmail, or registered to him. He cannot get it in Japan and his kittens need it. He built an extension on his house so now he houses 75 cats in his home until he finds homes for them. I think he has seven kittens right now. I like kittens. He writes me emails and one of his kittens imitates him and hits his keyboard so there are random letters. I don't mind at all. That is what I think about when I go to sleep to stop having nightmares.

I like cats, I think a lot of people do. If I see a cat, I want to pet it. Sadly, having a device with many wheels in which tails might be run over make cats run FAR away from me. And they don’t respond to peanuts! So I rarely if ever get to pet a cat, much less a kitten. If I had it to do over again, I would definitely pet a lot more kittens and spend more time in pet stores (whenever I ever passed one, I would go in and look at the kittens and trying to convince whomever I was with to get one!).

Now, before we move on to more cats (and catgirls!), I have a tendency as does Linda to read a book until it is very late at night. And I certainly don’t regret it at the time as the writing is very good and MUST be read, but somehow hours pass and then people expect me to get up the next morning – what is that all about? Hey, I was doing important reading! Actually I was doing that reading that gives me a hum inside, a sort of connection to myself, to part of myself I didn’t know, a vibration of pleasure as each word and image erupts in my brain – when the writing is very good.

Okay, on to things like catgirls, because what would be better than finding yourself on a desert island than with catgirls? These catgirls who can seem to find an abundance of very nice ripe fruit for you. This seems very pleasant indeed. Except of course then there is the world with the cute fox girls too! Oh to choose, that would be very hard. I love this picture, and I love these two fox girls. They seem so genuinely happy….and they have bushy tails! Yes, I really am that simple.

Of course, I also love this picture called three sister, with two cats and a cat girl. This is sort of taking ‘talk to the animals’ to the next level – be one with the animals. Who wouldn't want to be a cat; sleep a lot and own a human that does what you want and feeds you when you want.

But being one with animals, I would love to do that: to have animals come to me. In my local area while I wheel around I have seen squirrels, raccoons, two owls, one in flight right above me, otters, seals, baby seals, and a bald eagle. Which isn’t bad for a 1 mile radius URBAN area, I also see deer when I go to get my wheelchair refitted. This is one of the reasons I came back to Canada, I missed the animals. Unfortunately, they don’t leap on me as in this picture as after seeing the weight of some raccoons around here (the urban ones can be seriously large!) I think they might tip me over backwards in my chair. I have never seen a fox or cougar, though cougars have come into town only two blocks from me – I just never SAW them. I mean I have seen them in a cage but these are wild cougars, and I think that would be pretty cool. I also like how here they tranquilize them and then ship them up island. They don’t kill them or anything because hey, they were here first, it IS their island after all, we just built a city in the middle of one of their paths. So why should they be punished? Yes, surrounded by cougars would be fun, if I had on my “Please don’t eat me” spray that day!

Okay, another thing you can do to try and be less insane and more happy is called ‘retail therapy.’ If you have never HEARD of this, then please, allow me to instruct you, just remember to bring your credit card. Linda and a few others say I have the ability to make them wear things they might WANT to wear but wouldn’t. As for me, I am just, “Hey you look great in that! Why would you NOT get it, as $25 for looking great, and feeling great great for the next year.....BARGIN!” As for me, I tend to try and NOT spend as when I feel I am out of control I buy things to feel in control. But I haven’t bought anything in the last day or two, and considering how not so healthy in the head and out of control I am, that is VERY good. So I will try and find something for $5 on Amazon to be shipped to me and buy that as a reward, maybe a manga, then I can combine books AND shopping retail therapy? I am curious, am I the only one who does this. I know, I also do the ‘cleaning’ thing when things are out of control but when you want to get better, how do you do it. For me, if I am supposed to try and GET better and try and BE better, then I should really try and do things which respect me. I have my two pairs of jeans, but a book, something to do which is NOT work. Or some hand lotion so I stop accidentally ripping my very thin skin. I don’t know. It seems if I CARE about my body, then maybe I will care about me. And accept that I am SICK and need caring.

There is of course, comfort food! And who hasn’t a favorite dessert or recipe that is favorite comfort food. One of the things I am sad and frustrated about is spending an afternoon making Lasagna from scratch including the red wine & meat sauce (actually port works great if you have some left over after Xmas! Expensive but GREAT). Then laying out the layers, and the cheese. Yum, who can not love hand made lasagna? But of course, I would end up passed out and in the hospital if I tried to do that now, if I was lucky. So that is stolen from me. I still have things I can eat – I like Fiddle Faddle, a candied popcorn to munch on while watching a TV or anime show. I just need to first watch a TV or anime show.

Of course, I know that a lot of my readers are able bodied and also dog lovers, and knitters and crafters, and actors, and do all sorts of things so do for you, what you need to in order to feel that glow inside. For me, it was a run along the waterfront, a 10K course I had plotted out along the cliffs on a sunny day. I remember running in a running top with short sleeves and people looking at me like I was nuts (I used to have high circulation before my disease so I warmed up quickly as I didn’t have body fat). So go and play with your dog/s (but wear trainers/running shoes for goodness sakes! Girly fashion taken too far!), finish that knitting project, and whatever you need to get rid of the blues and show that you care about yourself, and life. Because that is what I am trying to do.

Finally, FANTASY. I was going to talk about the M word – masterbati… But I decided to just say FANTASY instead. Isn’t that a nicer word? Well, lets say that Linda reads HER romances (and thank you for those who bought them for her, she has devoured them over the holiday and is on her last one so I will have to post some new ones tomorrow!) and I read mine. Mine involve girls like this in my bathroom in the morning. Oh yes! You want to use the toothbrush…help yourself, I think I am going to have it bronzed after you leave anyway. Oh my, while I would throw her out of bed for eating crackers (hey, those crumbs hurt!), I would throw myself AFTER HER. In a FANTASY way of course.

I’m trying to let you know that no, I’m not better and I am learning that physically and mentally I will never BE better. I will be sick and sicker. I do need people around me all the time because I do repeat conversation, I do get lost in my apartment, I do get ‘confused.’ And yet, even though I have no idea what day it is, I can write this blog. I AM trying to stop being in a head space where dying sounds good, and I am trying to find a way to deal with this physical pain until I can get better meds. And I am trying: I am admitting that I NEED help. That yes, I will ALWAYS put anyone else first. But maybe, I need to accept that I don’t have that luxury anymore, or that some or many of the people want me to be there for them, yes, but only as I am safely able to do so. And that they would rather see me as mentally stable and physically healthy as I can be (in order to enact my new crazy plan) than to exhaust myself to the point where I go, to use a Welch saying, “Away with the fairies!” ("the elevator doesn't go to the top floor.", "doolalee", "Tup", "There are splinters in the windmill of my mind")

Thank you for your concern. Thank you. I have a particularly taxing medical test tomorrow which will leave me drained and nauseous all day but I will be trying to take care of myself and even (GASP) letting others take care of me. I might even try this radical plan until Linda and/or Cheryl declares that I am sort of sane. Thanks for being with me, on the downs. And so here I am, trying to find a way up.