a masturbation interlude: oils, gels and apple cinnamon

My ‘serious’ blog post has taken 4 hours and I have progressed only 2 more sentences and a headache. So, a masturbation interlude.
I was sent Kama Sutra: Raspberry Kiss Stimulating Gel by Their Toys, yes Adult Toys to review. I had envisioned a disability friendly heat arousing breast action while I played an erotic lesbian anime game on my computer (okay, I am an anime otaku, I love the 2D girls, but I love the 3D ones too).
The point and the problem is this: How does a woman who requires near constant care get her groove on? I still have a libido (oh…..ohhhh……ahhhhh) and while I AM touched every day, it isn't sensual touch but medical for heat, oxygen and health checks. That is not doing it for me. And honestly, I think it if WAS getting me aroused, I would have even greater problems finding health care workers: “Oh yes please, check my temperature again, slowly this time, let those fingers slide up and down my spine….yeah.”

So, either I can get assistance (BUZZZ! Asked and found workers um, ‘creeped out’ by the idea.) or figure a way to get the most action in the least time. Which is really hard because getting ready, or even clothes off takes time. Is there a 'quicky' for someone like me? Plus I am already IN the ‘privacy of my home’ (where the workers get their masturbation done, but are freaked out that I will), and not so much a voyeur that I like people walking in with sandwiches during the ‘ahhh….ahhh….so close….come on!’ section.

I hoped that Sexual Heighteners would do the trick, combined with a good book or an audio visual experience like a eroge anime game (there are hetero ones, Otome ones – girls point of view, lesbian ones, bisexual, yaoi ones – the lot). I got two potential breast tingle products, but the first, Climax Kiss (sounds great, no?), was a peach flavored lube. I was told to add it to my ‘intimate areas’ (that would be the vagina, and the vulva) for a ‘juicy addition’ to sex.

Sigh. So, not really for me at all, then, it is a lube for my partner because peaches are nice and vagina’s don’t actually taste like warm apple cinnamon: When we first got together Linda and I got a basic sex positions book. The book was very 'this is what you should feel' and it clearly stated that the vagina smelled and tasted like ‘apple cinnamon’ This became a common puzzlement and over the years a joke as we were like, “Do you smell the apple goodness?”, “No, not really” Of course, this was before American Pie, which seemed to reinforce that vagina’s are like warm apple.

Rating out of 10 for disabled masturbation: ZERO.

Rating for sex books that say all vagina's smell the same: ZERO

Rating for guys who associate vaginas with the smell of apples: (I give up!)

Linda says that it is actually a form of patriotism, that saying women smell like apple pie is saying they are part of Norman Rockwell's America: baseball, turkey and apple pie. Thus all-american women MUST have the apple pie scent. I guess as a Canadian, that's why I smell like moss, fir trees, and tundra.

The Kama Sutra Gels, also sell a mint flavored DEsensatizing Gel. They don’t mention the practical applications of the gel. And I can’t quite figure them out, unless it is to make the guy last longer? Dunno.

My Sensitizing Gel tried by both Linda and myself on the breasts (several times!), waiting over several minutes for the promised, “a tingly tasty treat for sensual body exploration”. We got no tingles. Disappointment factor: HIGH. Turns out it is another lube, but packaged as a non-lube, and that tingly, is for the tongue of your partner, not your own body. So, another useless masturbation product. I am all dressed up, with the engine at idle. Sheesh, getting naughty can be quite the challenge.
There was a gel ‘Formulated especially for women by women’. These women however must have been a bit high since they decided to title this vaginal gel: WET. Yeah, that’s the product name. So apparently some women though that going, “Hold on, I want to get super WET!” was cool and sexy and what other women wanted to say. “Oh yeah, bring on the WET” – because when you think of romantic, feminine, the dream of the prince carrying you to bed (or butch) the product ‘WET’ doesn’t bring those images, as Linda says, “It just means you got caught in the rain”
So I am frustrated (in SO many ways), the sex shop has failed me. Right now, the closest I have to inspiration is using some pop rocks I keep by the computer, licking them and then sticking them in my bra and hoping for the best. I do think if it works, the ‘Pop Rocks’ method of breast masturbation could be a giant leap forward for teen girls and high schools everywhere, as Principals start doing locker checks for Pop Rocks.
There are a lot of different health conditions which affect women and limit mobility and sensation in the vaginal area (even depression can decrease sensation significantly). So far the best method of success I have had is in being open enough to find what gives you that sexual tingle mentally, whether that is a traditional romance book, yaoi, yuri, traditional romance of being carried off, pirate fantasy, whatever. And who cares if you are like me and over six foot tall and would need a giant viking to carry you off and that would involve being slung over his shoulder. That is why is it called 'fantasy', so put the ‘sensible’ voice aside, put your mother’s voice aside (really, what is she doing in your sex fantasy?), and deal with the fact that you like (whatever it is you like) whether is it furry cowboys or women with swords (nothing phallic in either, of course). Once that is done, you are half way there, high anticipate, enjoyment of experience, and a mental fantasy assisted by
literature or game, or video, or movie that enhances enjoyment. I am still looking for that extra bit of sensation for those who may not have the hand control or the sensation to use a vibrator on and in with satisfaction. A product which works while the mind creates arousal would be optimal. The mind is a fantastic thing, and I just need to connect the fantasy to the physical aspects of orgasms. Female disability neuropathy masturation is a GO!

A LUBE is not it for solo: first it is going to leave a smear in the book, it is hard to get off the hand entirely and leaves marks everywhere. And second, while a lube might be great if you have a partner to eat you up, a female with a disability statistically does not, so no lube unless you want to ending up frustrated, with oil stains on your favorite erotic book and your bed smelling of peach. Okay, the last might not be so bad.

Body Shop body butter on my torso and breasts after a shower, makes it so that as I heat up, the smell of citrus grapefruit arises, using the body heat to create the scent. I need to find a product that can work with the body heat or just breast rub to create heat and sensativity. And no, I don’t want Ben-gay athletic rub.

Your masturbation reporter signing out: vigilant, horny and with breasts overdue for tingles.

Disabled Female Equality means orgasms, masturbation and sex

Disabled women and teen girls need orgasms too!
Female equality means masturbation and orgasms, because though 50% of women report feeling guilt over masturbating, while the Surgeon General was fired 15 years ago by suggesting masturbation was okay to do and it is a mere 10 years ago when research even started to quantify the female orgasm (about 140 years after the male studies). That's the bad: BUT, the two words that three out of four women picked in a 2002 study for masturbation were in order: ‘Incredible’ and ‘Powerful’ While the word chosen to describe an orgasm with a partner: ‘euphoric’.(four out of five guys described orgasms as ‘Shooting’ followed by ‘Shuddering’).

So with Xmas coming, snow falling, people driving erratic and competitive, weather making joints ache, relatives and others making the head and shoulders ache, and all the worries of getting everything done, and ready in time doesn’t a bit of ‘Incredible’ and ‘Euphoric’ sound good? Best of all, it’s not just free, it is good for you and what ails you! And women have five different types of orgasms.
An study found that an orgasm can relieve the pain of 47.4% of women having a migraine (Evans & Couch, 2001). Not only does orgasm relieve the pain faster than any medication but the largest group in the study found it relieved ALL migraine pain.

Plus, the Royal Edinburgh Hospital found that for women 40+ who had one or two orgasms looked on average at least 10 years younger. Seriously.

We know that female masturbation and sex can help with insomnia, by creating a cardio experience followed by relaxation of muscles and endorphins, the same things which can help with PMS pain. In order to help release pain, which is of high interest to those with chronic conditions with pain, using clitoris training of deep rapid breaths during clitoris stimulation, along with mental practice can release pain and tension and tell the body that pain is actually intense pleasure.

But with so few studies on female masturbation benefits, word of mouth often precedes the ‘science’, and studies of masturbation and sex benefits for women with disabilities or illness are few if any. For example in 2009, the National Institute of Health invested only 2/10th of 1%: $65 million for ANY studies on the top six chronic pain conditions: chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, temporomandibular (TMJ) disorders and vulvodynia. And sex research didn't make the list. You can compare that amount to the 1.7 billion spent on research regarding drug abuse. While socially we are taught that women suffer, and should do so in silence. But that’s not equality, or even good science, but lack of research and indifference.

What exactly does this have to do with me? Well, I have been studying using mental stimulation and secondary erogenous zones in regards to masturbation, sex and female neuropathy. You may remember my post Swimming with Dolphins: a disabled girls guide to vibrators. That was for fatigue chronic conditions and masturbation.

But now that I have significant decreased sensation I want to find out if masturbation has relaxation and pain reduction benefits in clitoral/vaginal but also for those with very limited or no sensation. The Christopher Reeve foundation has done some limited research on this, but focusing on traditional sexuality expectations (sex with a partner, a heterosexual ‘vanilla’ experience and vaginal/pelvic sensations). They do have anecdotes about the ‘“phantom orgasm," through reassignment of sexual response to areas of the body unaffected by the injury. This is described as a pleasurable, fantasized orgasm that mentally intensifies an existing sensation.’

The reality is less women with long term chronic conditions/SCI’s and illness are going to have sexual partners. The typical sexual hetero experience, or waiting for one isn’t always or often enough to bring sexual pleasure equality to disabled females. What they describe as ‘phantom orgasm’ is pretty much what I have been and am trying to experiment with: masturbation using mental stimulation for arousal and secondary erogenous sites (ear lobes, breasts, nape of the neck, etc) to achieve full and then multiple orgasms. Hey, it is a hard job but this brave researcher has volunteered to do it!

I have had success (repeated success!) with mental stimulation (books primarily) combined with minimal body motion, as well as Eroge (erogenous computer or station games which combine professional voice acting with erotic images but not what would be seen as ‘dirty’) which is mental with visual and auditory but in the powerchair: no body motion. I am not yet done that research or interviews enough for a full report and write up, plus I want to try different Eroge and also find what is available (there are lesbian Eroge availabe, as well as hetero).

I was approached by a sexual aid company as I have been before to see if I wanted to test and or review their products. I explained that I was only interested in regards to disability related masturbation or couples play, using ‘above the waist’ items. I was offered ball gags and nipple clamps. I explained that ball gags for people with decreased breathing capacity (like me) and as masturbation aid, I couldn’t see it as an easy choice. There was the same with the problems of neuropathy and nipple clamps (my skin tears easier, but I can’t feel it tearing, see the problem!), although the feather stimulation clamps were something to consider later (that would be Linda's eyes bugging out reading this).
We found common ground with a warming, stimulation breast massage gel. They have sent the product and I will try and report on how using primary mental stimulation to arouse the breasts, then application with the gel, if this make this a good product for disabled women to masturbate: particularly those with neuropathy, fatigue, SCI and limited mobility. Full report in two weeks.

But beyond recommending masturbating (it’s good for you!), if anyone has already found techniques that work particularly with fatigue, limited mobility or neuropathy or with your female pain or disability condition be it chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, EDS (are dislocations a problem when masturbating?), MS and others.

Okay, that was supposed to be short and funny but ended with factual and focused. That works too.

"I am not 80!" and other relevant topics

Okay, here is the 411 (or Wiki) on me. I worked through the night with Linda and Cheryl to do postcards: please leave your sanity on the coat rack by the door. Little buzzed, and on continuous, and purple. Got that too much work, sleep buzz. Oh yeah, have a fever: week 5.

I had a sort of New Year wish thing, which was that the Make a Wish Foundation would allow R/18 rated wishes. Then Linda and I could do the naughty on a tour of hot tubs which happened to be by all the people who read this blog. A visit with friends AND the naughty

– no not together, this isn’t the voyeur devo lesbian tour.

That reminds me, I had a new night worker, liked her. I like her, yet somehow, first topic was to ask, after letting her know she did NOT have to do any anal evacuations (the good news!) if, THEORETICALLY, they would be for or against assisting me move to different sexual positions?
Odd look from worker. Must have forgot something. Oh right, told her it was not just me, you know...with Linda in bed.
I stopped.

I realized I was being rude.

“Oh sorry, jumped in, um, did you know I'm lesbian? Cause I am.” Turns out she knew before she came. Okay, good. Wait? How is that? Is it on the staff bulletin board?

Her answer is no, will not assist sex positions. But she will give me a bit of boost when transferring. Oh well. I have no idea if there if going to be a complaint or if she is coming back. I kept going. Why is it once I start speaking the naughty, I just KEEP going?

I said it was unfair. Since a lot of workers have partners and they get home and want to snuggle, want to do a bit more. I have a partner, only I have a night worker to take over when partner is ready to sleep. Except while night workers gets to have sex, I am not supposed to BECAUSE night worker is there. I had missed the ‘nun’ clause in the care plan. She is listed as tasked for dressing and undressing, (see, she needs help undressing/dressing) and I have used care workers to help me with corsets before. But for strap-ons? No. Because I am disabled, because I am needing a proven pain relief and relaxation technique, I can’t because….I am being taken care of.

Worker has look like my face has opened up and there is a nest of snakes writhing around. I try to make it all better.

‘You know how you wake up horny sometimes?” I ask. The look of sort of fascinated horror while staying out of arms reach from worker intensifies. Best to keep going: “Me TOO! Oh yeah, I am disabled, I am dying but I am not dead yet, you know! I still get those nice erotic dreams and wake up ready. And it is: where is the book? Where is the fantasy and most important, where are the SEX TOYS! Vibrator ho!” Plushies confused, true, but no time to explain.
“And THEN!” I raise my hand to illustrate the frustration. The care worker jumps back a bit. I go on, “Then I am good and going and things are starting to, you know, the hips moving or I think they are moving, it feels like it inside my brain that feeling and that itch, going up, up, building and BAM. The phone rings: ‘BEEP BEEP’, ‘BEEP BEEP’ – the day care worker has arrived to be let in.”

“What am I supposed to do?” I ask plaintively, “Should I let them in but keep on going? Is that what they are going to walk in on while making sure I am not dead and on oxygen? I mean, they masturbate, care workers masturbate, and we masturbate, disabled women and you probably masturbate.” I try to make the night care worker feel included. Her round wide eyes show maybe that not best move ever.

“Or am I left with this……FRUSTRATION while offered…..grape juice…..a laxative?” Sigh. “My life. It is all run by the timing, the workers only….my orgasms do not follow Beacon Health Care timings, and a laxative and a orgasm is something altogether different” (please do not share story contesting that!)

This is turns out is not that way to convince the night worker I am intelligent and stable person to work for.

Earlier, another bed day, new worker comes in, I lean WAY back on pillows so they look upside down as my head is backwards, hair hanging down the back of the hospital bed. “I am a doctor!” I say, “I am really smart, honest!” Okay, not subtle, kind of like eight year old saying they are 8 and three quarters.

I can tell, even upside down, that clients who are sprawled all over a hospital bed claiming degrees are not to be believed. “Seriously, I am smart, you can ask me stuff, it is just I get seizures and can’t talk, or talk slow and so people think I am dumb or they treat me like I am 80 years old….. ‘time to have a rest, dear!’ I hate that!” I look the worker upside down in the eyes, “I am NOT 80 years old.”

Did I mention having a fever for a while?

I hope they come back.

4 paragraphs to explain my disease plus: Love a Puffin, Masturbate and living.

I have just finished a blog post on the Postcard Project,in fact there was ANOTHER postcard project blog before that which I kind of forgot to mention, though I think is it a good post.

“To engage, to start a dialogue and get to know someone is a great joy, a great opportunity. I have been given this chance to get to know so many people…

..But I can make you feel a little less lonely, because I care, and I hope it shows, in a clumsy way, in the postcards I send.”

So please, if you want more Elizabeth, head over there and take a read (and a comment). Also, scantily clad Hawaiian girl if that is an incentive, plus lovely goth postcards! Linda has also written part II of the Flowers of Hawaii over at Girl’s Gotta Fly and I know she would LOVE a comment.

Also, I am sorry but the postcards this week were, um, scanty because after posting 94, I kind of used up most of the postage stamps. Oops.

The BIG news is that I have decided not to die. Sorry, you can get your entrance fee at the door. I didn’t say my body is agreeing with me on that one but I am tired of writing about pain. Geez, I am ALWAYS in pain, so unless I have something new to share, we will assume that, and that probably parts of me are falling off or looking odd or blood is coming from somewhere or another.

But, hey, still have decided not to die (screw medicine!). So I will be doing other blog topics. I will still update on health issues and want to talk about what it is like having a ‘bad’ dementia day: that Alzheimer’s, or Parkinson’s experience which frustrates caregivers. I will try to explain from my notes and experience why we cry over your not giving up toast, or cake, when you actually gave it five minutes ago, or why we call you the name of someone who is gone, dead, and how that hurts you but what does it mean for us?

Right now, with Xmas on the way, I am masturbating, oh yes I am. I woke up this morning and thought, “Elizabeth, what gets you horny?” Good thing I have all these art books. Is getting aroused at an anime drawing a good or a bad thing? I think, since I can’t really move around a lot, a good thing. But that will take a bit more time (please continue to masturbate anyway!). I am studying (rub-a-dub!), I am collecting pictures, I am trying to find resources. Yes, we are too sexy for this wheelchair, too sexy for this bath bench, help me undress, oh yes, oh my!

See, even chronically disabled, or those with degenerating conditions can be horny. Stay tuned for blog post.

I realized that some people may not know what I have medically. BEFORE I was ill, I had Marfan’s and P.A.T.’s due to an extra node in my heart. Marfan’s is a genetic bone and muscle condition which makes your muscles stretch as the genetic switch to stop your bones growing doesn’t always work. So I have different sized bones on my body from side to side, and due to my knee bone growing into my kneecap, I had surgery on both knees. I hyperextend, as the muscles are pulled longer than they are supposed to be, this causes muscle pain, and my knees to go backward, and my shoulder to dislocate more often than others.

Then I developed a disease of Central Autonomic Failure. Autonomic Failure is when the things we don’t think about, from pupils dilating to blood pressure to heart beats, to converting oxygen from lungs into the red blood cells doesn’t work, because that part is damaged. I have both Central and Peripheral Autonomic Failure, plus Secondary Raynaud’s (which means my extremities turn funny colors, are cold and for me, not for those with Raynaud’s naturally, I can have veins collapse and start to rot, and require amputation – like Diabetes – this is another reason to exercise rigorously).

I also have progressing Neuropathy, which means there are 5 different types of nerves, and my nerves are being sort of eaten by the body, so I have limited to no feeling from my HEAD to toe. But think of nerves like a giant road system. Just because thousands are destroyed doesn’t mean that a person driving back roads might not find a way to bring a message all the way forward, particularly if hundreds to thousands of cars start out to find a route. This is what happens to me and to some SCI’s who have a partial or a break with some spinal nerves. So sometimes I close a door on my hand and feel…nothing. But other times, my feet, from the cold, or when I break a toe, I get, a second or two later, a flash of pain, and then it sort of dies out, as other messages crowd out the pain message trying to get through such a odd route. I type 5 times slower because the messages to my major muscles are both slow and erratic (taking the scenic trip on the back roads).

Because I have Hypothyroidism from a secondary Autoimmune disease, it is almost certain from my symptoms and visits to three different hospitals that I have AAN, Autoimmune Autonomic Neuropathy of the vascular centered variant. Only four disease have Autonomic Failure as a primary symptom – one is POTS, Postural Orthostatic Hypotention – I have the Hypotention but I don’t have POTS, or MSA (Multiple System Atrophy), the most common of this uncommon disease, and seen mostly in seniors, with three types, one related to Parkinson’s’ (used to be called Shy-Dragers or Parkinson’s Plus). The Hospital in Vancouver confirmed Primary Autonomic Failure, the Specialist Hospital in Washington State confirmed it is not POTS or MSA. The Hospital here confirmed it is vascular in focus (meaning the veins randomly close, and I get a micro stroke called a TIA, or I get a larger one, or my ear drum blows out, or blood doesn’t get to my intestines, the food rots and I have a gastronasty!). Two down, two remain, which leaves Pure Autonomic Failure, and AAN. But Pure Autonomic Failure doesn’t have Neuropathy or Autoimmune Disease: I have both, so does AAN. These are all diseases of exclusion, determined finally in autopsy (meaning there is no, take my blood and see if the water turns blue test - you match the symptoms until nothing else fits). 90% of PAF people get MSA, the average lifespan of MSA is 4 years from onset of first symptom (not diagnosis), the average lifespan of AAN is about half that (no study of AAN has been done because no one can get enough people WITH AAN together and have enough of them live to the end of the study).

There is no way to prevent this disease. It is really rare. It is like winning the lottery, you don't win the lottery by eating green food, or doing pilates, and you don't get this or have this cured by doing any of that other. Medicine has known about this dying of brain disease for 109 years, and so far, the only treatment is a pill for those with MSA-P, that helps 10%, and now IVIG for those with AAN (plus symptom treatments, like beta blockers, oxygen, pain management, synthoid, and other symptoms treatments) IVIG is a possible good thing because IVIG passes the blood brain barrier and kills the auto-immune system of the brain which is attacking the autonomic section. It is not a cure all, it doesn't work for everyone, but it is hope of stability. And the only hope I have right now (medically).

That is what I have, that is why I stop breathing (because the switch that says, ‘breathing is good’ is too weak to work, or the nerves to my diaphragm stop working, or similar issues, like my heart is too erratic to pump blood around), or get very ill, and can’t sweat and have the air conditioner on when it is –5 outside (I do, seriously!) – turns out that masturbating makes blood flow, increases heat. I have no way of dispelling that heat. I am, this morning going, ‘oh my, oh my, my hands are green and oh, oh, oh, I am sooo close, why am I super heating, don’t think of that, think of the sexy, oh yes, so close’ – followed then by, “Oh shit! I am way, way too hot, I need to do something because death by masturbation is not as wondrous as it sounds.”

Yeah, sometimes it is GOOD when workers aren’t here, as what do I say when I have all my tops off, the air conditioner full blast and a care worker walks in, with me saying with a wild eyed expression, “Quick, get a cold cloth, I am masturbating, and it goes well!” So to recap, postcard project, Hawaii Flowers, not going to die, researching desire, masturbation, more masturbation, and what disease I have. That’s it. Have a great day (oh, computer thing on hold for a couple weeks, and I go in for blood work at 7-8 a.m. tomorrow). Oh yeah, and I'm going to live.

Disability gender, masturbating, scaring children, dogs and postmen plus wearing a bell

I have spent a great deal of time, many hours on the internet and found that while I am pretty sure my disabled life was different than others (Is that a TV show ‘My disabled life?’), it is REALLY different. I mean, there is a conversation about Gender for disabled women and that is important in the blogworld this minute. Except it is about clothing and I am thinking, “Yes but what about the huge feet you, or I get from Raynauds?” And how THAT looks in high heels – nothing says SEXY like purple/black feet without toenails! And then there is how many people have seen your vagina in the last month or two (I dunno, maybe I am just really unlucky in the autoimmune department, I think every doc on the south side of town has had a look now!), and if you have fungus growing on you. Then there is how much hair IS left on the back of my head now? And also if I knew that I would never heal on your arms, maybe I would have worked harder on not being a cutter earlier in life. Probably not, I just would have made more interesting patterns.

Plus the whole, “Oh look, you have peripheral neuropathy, welcome to having a pot!” Now that is welcome to female disability identity! It was explained to me about how it comes with muscle death and why it happened but I never understood exactly. Plus there is my tendency to be limited in clothing due to the fact that I literally swell up in heat like um, things that explode (hot dogs?).

Also, I bleed, out of my nose almost daily, out of my eyes a bit sometimes, pus is more common, blood out of my ears occassionally, out of my mouth a LOT – that irritates me. Seriously, what is worse than that trying to impress someone and finding you have a line of congealed blood across your two front teeth? Oh and the sores in the mouth from seizures in the night, and tongues that are not funny shaped (little bits here and there).

So apparently none of this happens to people with disabilities, just to me. Dunno, when people with MS are heat intolerant and they have water sprayed on them, do they dress up like I do with something see through for the occasion (they are my nipples and be proud!)? It seems not.

I guess the difficulty is in imagining the mundane ever taking precedence over anything with me. I go shopping. I talk to the guy selling his art standing outside the shop. I recommend Etsy. He wants to know how I am. Um, er, well there is blood in me and it goes round and round? Am I going to be annoyed at him? No. This is not an issue.

Sometimes customers will annoy me because they find me well, not so appealing to look at (I have my oxygen on, I drop things, I talk to myself), or they find my wheelchair in their way. So I ask them. “Oh, I’m sorry, is this in your way.”

And they give a tight nod.

And I say, “Yeah, I really wish we had a law that made aisles bigger….don’t you?” They keep expecting me to move.

Yeah. I take a hit of oxygen.

I like children, I wave to them. They wave to me. I explain how this wheelchair makes me fly. "I come down to the bottom of the hill fast!" my arm moves, "Chair says there, I go fly" My arm makes fly motion then falls.

Children giggle Parents look at me with great concern.

I explain to the chidren that my wheelchair can wheel into a volcano and out again just FINE. This impresses them. I pretend whisper to the parents “Just the chair though” – the children laugh, they have read children’s tales, they watch Disney characters die, but the parents pull them away.

Dogs like to sniff the chair. The owners are upset, they try to pull the dog away. I explain, “With the amount of stuff on my wheels and where I go, this is like a buffet of dog asses right here!” Then they REALLY try to pull the dog away. Odd. My flirting isn't working as I want it to!

I think Linda might be right about me losing my inhibitions. I guess I am not too worried about if that is a person sitting at my next job interview (I am applying still!). Because you know they probably will be and it will be a program for people with disabilities. And I will say, “I know you, you were the person who was scared of people in wheelchairs!” Yeah, that job is MINE!

I was told, in all seriousness, that I needed to carry a bell with me, and ring it to let pedestrians know I was coming. This from a woman I passed who was startled that a wheelchair was sharing space with her. I did NOT say that I didn’t have the plague….yet. In fact I was so stunned and wide eyed, I sort of said nothing at all. See, how is that for restraint. What type of bell I wonder, a fog horn?

I have found out that my manager complains about me to people, about my tire tracks. I suggest she buy me a hovercraft. Is this what other people get complaints about, that they leave tire tracks. I guess they do. I have the advantage and upper hand of knowing that people do not like confronting people with disabilities and so will say even more stupid shit than before. So I usually get them riled up to find out how much of a bigot they are, like, “well, I could drag myself but then there would be a piss trail on the floor” or “Yes, there is, good thing there is law huh?” People don’t like uppity crips because we are not equal, and sometimes people like me forget that.

When I went to buy flowers the owner CAME out of the store to tell me that the flowers under the awning (which were there to avoid the heat) were ‘not for me.’ That my chair was ‘too big to get in’ I was so, so dying to just go and lift the awning and go, “Oh look, it works this way TOO!” but as it happened the orchids were all the money I had on me. And it turned out that it was good the owner came out as there was a step to get into the store. 10 customers went in and out as I sat there, they stepped up and went in. Gee, if I can stand them, they should be able to stand a few tracks on the floor right? So I was about to drag myself to the counter when I found out that hitting the barrel holding the awning with my wheelchair quickly brought the owner to ME. Gosh, I love Canada.

In the post this month the Recreation and Integration Disability newsletter says that I am supposed to stare at the earth and remember how thankful I am that I am Canadian (no shit!). I think the people over at Rec and Int. are on acid.

This is my blog without a point or structure. It amuses me. My care giver time has been moved again so that it fits in better with the schedule of the company. It does not fit well with my care plan. This is not a concern to the company. I find it funny that I spent money to go to a specialist hospital and a top specialist who said, “this is what I know and this is what I don’t.” and after that my ENTIRE care is determined not by a GP or Doctor but an RN – specifically and RN whose duty before this was in the OR responding to, “Number 5 blade!”

“Yes Doctor!”

That is seriously who is in change of my care plan, of a degenerative terminal disease. Of which she doesn’t want the medical notes. Hmmmmm.....

The phone people at Beacon think I am a “hoot” because one night worker scared me so bad I couldn’t sleep, as they were wearing a hoodie, in the dark, calling my name at the end of the bed to wake me for my pain pills. It was DEATH come for me! “Elizabeth!......Elizabeth!”

“AHHHHHHH!”

They asked me what I wanted to put down as the reason not to have her again. Personification of Death? No I said she had a problem touching me. Which is true, a lot of the care givers, once they know I am terminal and they see that bits are falling off don’t want to touch me, because, it is like AIDS, I think, “WHO KNOWS how you catch it.”

This will become difficult as I need someone to wipe my ass. The trick with having limited feeling is keep the eye on the prize, or you end up with early descent and get the vagina. DAMN! Not again! This is bad as it increases a chance of UTI. I do not back wipe as I can’t lift my ASS off the seat. And again, smears on the top not so fun – not when I can’t feel them.

Hmmm, what is left? Well, I like the postal guy, he has a very polite knock. He is cool. Sometimes as it takes me so long to transfer I will wait pretty much naked by his bag stand as I am on the top floor and he returns to get it. He likes to see me. I hope it is the pert nipples and not just that he is getting rid of a package on a hot day.

On day he knocked while I was masturbating. I stopped. But he kept knocking. He said later if he can hear someone inside he keeps knocking. BUSTED!

That’s all. I am trying to figure out why other disabled writers have more interesting...and in depth writing. I have determined it is because I am shallow. I am scared of death with a hoodie at the end of my bed, I piss people off for fun, I masturbate (or try) and I find being told I need to ring a bell ON a side walk (I am not a bike!) to warn people “The CRIP a’coming, take the ‘bains indoors, the CRIP a’comin!”

Shallow!