Pink is for boys: girls as pirates, boys in pink and princess dresses

This post started when I saw a newspage picture: a pirate Halloween costume. I saw it, I thought the pink a bit odd, but thought, ‘Wow, guess North America is okay to pink and gender for a ‘pink’ boy pirate.” Here’s the picture.
When I moved my cursor, the title, “Girl’s Pirate costume.” came up. Of course…..pink.

The levels of ignorance in branding and in the internet ‘news’ in adding to this socialization irked me deeply. Not just because the idea of adding pink and re-branding to tweens or young girls, not just because as “Booty: Girl Pirates on the High Seas” starts by saying, “For as long as ships have sailed the seas there have been pirates. And for as long as there have been pirates, some of those pirates have been women.” What was worst was the deliberate socialization policing, enforced on children, who are protected into ignorance, stereotype and cruelty, so rigidly enforced that a ‘pink pirate’ boy WOULD be made fun of. A female tomboy pirate wouldn’t, but her mother would want her to wear the other outfit (‘pink is so NICE.’)

No, actually, pink is for boys.
Before WWII, it was believed that children did not HAVE gender identities, so there were ‘infants’ and ‘boys’ and ‘girls’. In schools all over the UK, including a school two streets from where we lived in Cardiff, the three entrances with the word ‘infants’ in block above the double doors, where all children up to age 7 or so would enter. Pictures of Winston Churchhill and King George IV in dresses are seen in biographies as such. Adverts from Sears Ro. for getting your ‘child corset’ for good deportment and carriage, shows that the ‘manly’ and ‘womanly’ didn’t go down as far as children, not then. The picture shows one or two boys (often parents didn't cut the hair until age 4-6, so even Linda has a picture of an uncle looking like one of this 'girls')

In only a generation or two, now colors are branded, marketed for gender and from diapers to overalls, gendered as colors appropriate for 1 month old babies to 5 year olds is heavily advertised, socially pushed and debated on forums.

That is why this Goth Lolita outfit is considered ‘unisex’, if you notice it is based on the ‘infant’ style dresses and clothing and is for Goth Loli boys and girls in Japan.

But traditionally, pink is for boys, and blue for girls, as it still is in Belgium. One likely explanation I have found is that pink is a more juvenile version of RED, the manly color of MARS, and WAR – while light blue, feminine and tasteful is associated with the Virgin Mary (traditionally shown wearing pale blue and the embodiment of feminine attributes).

From the Guardian, in 1918 the Ladies' Home Journal wrote: "There has been a great diversity of opinion on the subject, but the generally accepted rule is pink for the boy and blue for the girl. The reason is that pink being a more decided and stronger colour is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl."

Sunday Sentinel in 1914 told American mothers: "If you like the colour note on the little one's garments, use pink for the boy and blue for the girl, if you are a follower of convention."

So yes, boys who were raised in pink frilly dresses went down mines, ruled countries and fought in the second world war. Clothing conventions change over time. Indeed the switch from pink to blue for boys is blamed on a marketing strategy by US department stores. That’s all, it simply made for a more interesting display.

Jump forward today and in a review of bad science, one team made a ‘scientific word test’ where you picked and rated your affinity to words which showed if you rated yourself as ‘gullible’ and ‘cheerful’ then you were a girl and liked PINK. – yeah, no social bias on that one. To test your social bias check out these twins.
Yes, it is an April 1st cross-dressing, (the girl is in the clothes the boy normally wears and the boy is in the girl's clothes and hairband - keep trying to tell yourself the one in pink is a boy and the other a girl) and the mom received lots of comments on how pretty and beautiful her daughter was. The color determines the perceptions of gender, which in this case, is totally incorrect.

But, besides pink saying, ‘this is for girls’, is there any reason that girls shouldn’t have their own pirate look? And what would that be?

The pirate dress up re-emergence recently is thanks to Captain Jack Sparrow, whose open effeminate actions in the first movie launched the interest in Pirates in many boys and girls (and adults), along with a use for black eyeliner for men other than being emo. After the first movie, the fencing club was full of 10-12 year olds wanting to learn saber.

Jack Sparrow was beyond gender, up on screen acting feminine, and getting away with it (and the same year became the number 1choice for straight men if they were to have a romantic relationship with a guy – Angelina Jolie was number 1 for women). Even sexually, it is quite hard to tell with the first film whether Jack is going for the guy or the girl romantically, an added tension which I enjoyed far, far too much. If you have forgotten, here is Pretty Pirate, some classic Jack Sparrow from the first film.


Johnny Depp, whose career has included more than a couple gender bending characters, is the western world’s most acceptable (and sexy) actor who can play male, androgynous and feminine while still taking big money in the box office. You know, the kind of character that parents in North America/UK/Australia think is fine for your girl to pretend to be, but maybe not your five year old boy (and so I’ll show you later).

Indeed, one women’s sandal shop offers a blinged up sandal as “Likely Captain Jack Sparrow's favorite footwear for femmes, the Stingray from Two Lips is a treasure trove of a sandal.” Arg!

Jack Sparrow might have been loosely based on the real pirate Calico Jack, a snappy dresser, vain, heavy drinker and famed ladies man, pirate captain of the Caribbean. He also connects Anne Bonny with Mary Read: two of the most famous female pirates. Mary Read, daughter to a captian’s wife and illegitimate was raised as her brother in order to continue the allowance from her mothers’ mother-in-law. The allowance was just enough to allow them to live, based on her mother having a boy baby. The boy died in the first year and when Mary’s mother became pregnant while husband was at sea, she moved away to hide her marriage then presented her daughter Mary as her son, in order to keep the Allowance coming (enough to buy five loaves of bread a week).

When the mother-in-law died, leaving nothing to her daughter in law or her ‘grandson’ Mary who was 13 at the time, Mary continued living as a male, first as a ‘footman’ as a servant, then joining the navy as a ‘powder monkey’, and probably looking something like this (without the fancy sword).
Finally, coming of age, she enlisted as a soldier and was raised to the rank of officer due to action on the field. She revealed herself to a fellow Flemish officer who was ‘oddly attracted’ to this good pal (she had taken several high risk assignments to be near him) and they married. Her wedding dress was the first female clothes she had worn. But this meant that Mary had to retire as an officer. Due to her popularity, the officers did a whip-round and Mary got enough money to buy and Inn, popular with the soldiers. But when the war moved, the Inn failed, and her husband died. So she returned, as a male, to be soldier and sailor. Working on a Dutch East Indies ship, she was attacked by Calico Jack the pirate and offered to join him as a pirate or die.

With her experience of dangerous missions, the royal navy and dueling history ‘Sailor Reed’ was a great pirate, and with many others enlisted under the Governor of the Bahamas to fight the Spanish as privateers. She was under Captain Jack and once in open ocean, these ‘pardoned’ pirates turned pirate again, taking the ship (score one free ship!). Mary fell in love with a young Englishman on board. They became good friends then she ‘accidentally’ flashed her breasts.

He asked, was she a female? Yes. And romance was born. BUT…

The Englishman had offended another pirate who had it out for him, a death duel pending. Well, Mary, once she chose her guy, didn’t shrink from trouble and got into conflict with the pirate, calling for a duel two hours BEFORE the Englishman’s. With her soldier training, she cut the pirate down with her sword in the duel without receiving a scratch and thus won her man. They determined to keep Mary’s secret until they quit the ship.

But they didn’t count on Anne Bonny. Captain Jack had met Anne Bonny, who had a severe temper (beating one suitor unconscious, killing a servant with a knife), and who hung around the waterfront often dressed as a man. Jack fell for Anne and later wrote a document that she would be with him for a sum of money, which they considered a marriage contract (Anne had the guy come with a dowry). However, the witness they asked to sign the document didn’t see that as marriage and instead reported it to the Governor. Adultery charges threatened Anne with whipping, so she and Jack rowed out to a sloop, Anne kept the crew at bay with a pistol and cutlass while Jack and some companions got underway. Anne would dress as a man, but did not hide being a woman, even disembarking to give birth.

The problem occurred when Anne, with her hot temper, let her eye wander to the handsome Englishman who was in the crew (not the one Mary fell in love with, the OTHER Englishman….Mary). Anne saw what she liked and what Anne liked, Anne got. Except this Englishman, was Sailor Reed, persisted in turning aside Anne’s advances. And the more Anne was refused, the angrier she became until Mary Reed finally was forced to tell her she wasn’t the only woman aboard. Anne kept ‘Sailor Reed’s’ secret but the two women hung out more and more (some say they had a lesbian relationship) which increased the jealousy in Captain Jack. Anne finally had to tell Jack while swearing him to secrecy (and considering she beat up the guys who annoyed her, he agreed).

After several more raids, where they tried to increase their crew, a ship of the Governor’s Navy fired on them. Jack and the men disappeared down below to drink leaving Anne, Mary and a single other sailor to fight off the boarding.

The ship was captured and all brought to jail, where Anne and Mary’s gender was found out. Calico Jack and his men were sentenced to be hung, but Anne was allowed a last visit. Instead of a teary goodbye, she cursed him for not being a real man, as while being boarded. According to the trial, Mary Read had fired into the deck, wounding one of the pirates in order to try to get them to come up and fight. No luck.

After the men were hung, the women had trial after trial (which is how we know the story). No one realy knew what to do with a female pirate, but eventually they were sentenced to hang. At that point, they both fell to their knees and begged mercy ‘We plead our Bellies’: a claim of pregnancy (as to condemn a criminal is one thing but to hang an pregnant woman and thus kill an infant was another). Everything was postponed again. Sadly, Mary Reed died in prison of a fever, but Anne disappeared.

These were not the only female pirates, as only those caught, or famous enough to be in history of the time period were noted. Likely significant numbers of females dressed as males, like Mary Read, were sailors and pirates.

Female pirates were not the faint hearted, but ranged from Pirate Queens (3 of them, one of the Chinese Ocean, one the Indian Ocean and on the coast of Ireland). The greatest pirate of all was a woman, Cheng I Sao (1801), Queen of the China Sea who had a fleet of over 2,000 with more than 80,000 troops. She also lived until 69, dying in peace after a deal with the government.

Even among the 9th century Viking raiders, Alfhild, daughter of King Siward, ran off in men’s clothes and became a raider, then a ship captain, with Groa, another adventuring female as her right hand. Later, Grace O’Malley in Ireland raided the English lords, and took castles in siege in Ireland from a teenager to her seventies, and met with Queen Elizabeth (by invitation). She inherited the fleet of the clan due to her fierce nature. One example of that was after she had just given birth to her fourth child, Theobald, on ship when Algerian Pirates attacked the ship. The crew was close to losing when the Captain came down to get her to rally the men. Directly from giving birth, she ran out on deck and shouted to her men, “May you be seven times worse off this day (in) twelve months, for those who cannot do without me for one day!” (meaning, ‘all you all such wimps that you can’t fight without me ONE day?’) Her crew rallied and defeated the Algerians. Scary woman.

So, no, not running around in pink waiting to be noticed by men, but winning male lovers in duels, beating up men, stealing ships or commanding armies. Those who served in secret often had a tube with them or attached which allowed them to pee standing.

Whether more manly or openly female, the variety of female pirates reflected their personality. I mean, Bluebeard covered his hair and beard with ribbons. That’s what being a pirate was about – being yourself.

So back to Halloween costumes: pirates for girls

I prefer the ‘black leather pirate’ with her femme back-up (not a lot of pink here). Boy or Girl, the one in black, with appropriate Virginia Woolfe’s (male) Orlando style stockings is HOT, and getting me HOT and bothered. Which will likely which may end up getting her/him more candy (as a child OR an adult). Yeah, I must have meant at Halloween, and 'Candy' as treats. hee hee, please come to MY party!

I am not sure what tailor one goes to three centuries ago in order to get the ‘skinny fit’ breeches, but it is certainly a look that gets attention. And after a while, people might even look at your face (not recommended if you are trying to pass as male...even if you are male).

And here is for those with a love of velvet and scarlet (a color exclusive to men for hundreds of years, until the late middle ages due to the expense of the dye, which Rome imported from the Celts), the pirate queen who rules with her decolletage and her fan.

I love the french tricorn hat and the green gloves. A nice look for our revolutionary pirate/privateer either male or female. Again, a host of pirates including one who seems to be holding a rose blade in the front while wearing her lingerie, including stockings with the ‘all so important’ BOOBIE ARMOR (this indicates a ‘fantasy female pirate’). Because of course, being gutted or stabbed through the ribs is nothing compared to the risk of having a scar on these precious treasures of the sea! But one thing I don’t see….pink.

Here we seem to have gone past androgyny to a bit of both, the boy’s pantaloon and the girl’s high stocking and skirt, sort of steam punk pirate. I will say, for any guys who want to imitate this style, that worry not, a nice straight corset with a non-scoop top with deliver the ‘goods’ (at least a size A cup boobies). One unisex nature of corsets: they enhance your breasts, even if you don’t think you have any to start with

During, I think, the second ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ films, Jack Sparrow meets the heroine dressed as a sailor lad, and says something like, “A lady should be in a dress or nothing at all, as it happens…I have a dress in my cabin.” after a long argument with some viewers, and several re-watching of the scene it turns out that Jack is propositioning her to be naked, not offering her his crossdressing outfits. BUT, when watching it, it make complete sense that Jack would have not just one but probably several dresses in his cabin, much as Blackbeard and other historical pirates wore ribbons and other traditional female ornaments. Plus dressing as women in order to get merchant ships to slow down for ‘rescue’ was a common ruse of pirates. As a Pirate, you aren’t in the NAVY now right? That’s the point: pirate, outside the rules. As Johnny Depp said about Captain Jack’s sexuality, that it could go either way, as 'it was lonely out at sea.' So a few dresses is not really out of character.

Pirates of the Caribbean, was created and promoted by Disney, a company which have pushed the ‘Princess’ (or in this case, ‘Pretty Pirate’) line so strongly that is it now a common part of dress up play for children. Plus if you go to Disneyworld, you can choose among FOUR different ‘Princess’ Packages for children, including getting dressed in a princess dress, nails done, and rides in a carriage. The whole tiara and pampering, while the guys are offered the ‘cool guys’ package (BLAH!). So more and more young boys want the Princess Package, so many that Disney land is quietly promoting it for boys too.

That is the topic for the next post, is more about Pink, that four letter word, and why can or can’t a boy wear the pirate outfit with pink on it. As well as the common experience of parents to have a child from 2-7 who wants to play ‘Princess’ and have a dress provide interesting comments and tension on parenting boards. It looks at North American views, how boys and girls are raised as well as some contradictions built into social norms, particularly about the behavior allowed for boys and value placed on girls.

'Talk like a Mountie Day', Pirate booty, and my morning scream

Shiver me timbers!I be missing ‘Talk like a Pirate Day’ already: so SO many uses of the word ‘booty’. Onward to ‘Speak like a Canadian Mountie Day’ where you have to say, ‘Please’, ‘Thank you’, ‘May I assist you?’, approach anyone who appears to be emotionally of physically troubled to assist. Plus you get to say, ‘Do you realize the speed you were going? Try to remember that there are deer out here as well.” And “Cannabis? Personal Use? Please wait until you get home to have that, miss. Thank you. Please take care while driving and avoid littering.”

Linda is out cycling to return books to the library, pick up pocky and get flowers both gay and glamorous. Her mission solves my distress upon realization that we had not enough ‘bloom’ around the house (or pocky), so I pitched in for flowers. Wet stuff now falling from the sky (Linda calls it 'bane' or 'rain', whichever), an indication the seasons are changing. However, the construction and noise continues. A care worker from many, many months ago, E., returned today with, ‘Wha? They are STILL working?”

I woke this day with a scream, as my calf went into full locked spasm. Don’t you just hate when that happens?

The spasm was severe enough to rip the muscle and the bleeding under the skin could be seen a minute or two after Linda massaged it down. As E., the care work who had returned looked down in concern I sheepishly smiled and said, “Hi, I guess that was sort of ‘welcome back’”.

A short post to let you know I am trying to blog as regularly as I can (even daily as possible), so please drop on by. Sarcasm, wit and odd word usage to be expected. Don’t miss the blog post below on Hatley castle (plus Victoria, BC 1900’s brand opium and me molesting the wildfowl), with 24+ pictures and three weeks of work.

Now I MUST bid adieu as I return to my research on ‘The disabled female: masturbation and orgasms’ Disability rights, indeed!

Birthday Wish, Bucket List, ‘To Do’ Plans, secret wishes and Secret shames named (part 1)

Well, this WAS my going out weekend except: the Korean BBQ place has gone out of business. Plus I have been working on my blog for the last two days straight, missed the art exhibit, missed the highland games, no postcards or packages done. I did ending up buying something for myself off the wishlist because, well, Saturn Apartments was put on sale.

I also bought ‘The Maze runners’ about a bunch of teen guys who try to escape the maze but can’t and the only safe space is the 1 acre center, but they are all mind wiped of the past. At night, a dome covers the acre and when the wake up the maze has been altered. No one has gotten out. When suddenly a girl arrives and things change. Okay, I love mazes and spent many years drawing 3-D mazes, and I also had a 3-D chess set which I played, um, with myself. This was 42% off, and not at our library, so I bought it, or borrowed from a friend the money to buy it. Also because the cover looks exactly like several drawings I made in 7th grade, when we had ‘art’ for the first time in our school (taught by an ‘outlander’, an ‘outsider’, ‘the unchosen’). I loved mazes Only not only did I have the labyrinth drawn from the floor perspective but my spikes had people who had failed the maze impaled on the spikes (and bleeding into pools on the ground). This lead to much discussion and a parent/school conference and I didn’t have to take art anymore (which is too bad because I sat next to the kid who started out drawing then by the end, had covered his entire sheet of art paper black. After several months, that starts to be a pretty impressive/scary portfolio, totally blacked out paper after totally blacked out paper. Anyway, I hope to be able to read this book and not have authorities watch me a lot.

This was going to be the ‘what I wish for..’ and ‘Secret Shames….’ Only doing that has 72 pictures. 72!!!! That is one giant blog. So today I am doing my birthday clothes, and then like four of my birthday wishes and four of my secret shames.

You are encouraged in comments to a) Tell me how hot and sexy I am – this applies for just about any post, except ones on pain, death, and bits of my flesh rotting. b) share your own goals, since they don’t have to be something that you are going to do tomorrow, but can be something like a life goal. Since my life is counted in months (see, I am up from weeks, and some people don’t call me an optimist!), I HAVE taken, ‘Global Domination’ and ‘Learn to read 9 languages’ off of my list (or changed that to ‘learn to read six languages’). c) share your secret shames, hopefully reading mine will help you remember yours. Tomorrow is all about new and different ones and the following post as well.

Secret Shames: Okay, last time there was a misunderstanding about Secret Shames. They have to be something you kinda want to be a secret in most company. For example a lesbian saying they watched Charlies Angels….not a secret shame, a butch lesbian saying they had ‘my little pony’ collection….and they still play with them – that might be something they don’t want to tell someone right off. Or like when they tied their sibling to the hitch on the back of the car. Or when they set fire to the couch at Xmas! Secret shames. You’ll see.

So far on the birthday present front: two (I didn’t even get one from Linda!). SUCKS!

I had planned a birthday with me ala Birthday Suit but alas, I got ill again and b, not so good with trunk control these days (the plan was to be in my intimates and have my panties in my teeth as a SUBTLE sign).
Problem is if I can’t sit up to do that. And the care workers? Well, when asking care workers if they would assist in positioning me and toys for good masturbation/intimacy, hysterical laughter is one of the better replies (long stare and then walking out of the room murmuring a prayer one of the not so good).

“What?” I say, “I get horny too, just like you!” (more prayers/laughter) “We just put this under ‘Shower prep’ or ‘Sleep Prep’....you know female masturbation has been shown to be very effective for insomnia!”

Nada.

Linda did braid my hair for me (she find braids erotic, and so do I – mmmmmm, Gretchen!)

I just want to mention in passing that I am horny. I was expecting birthday sex, and I was planning a culmination of many days of birthday masturbation and neither happened. I am deeply undersexed right now. I need energy, an erotic story and a bit of friction...without a careworker or Linda popping in to check my temperature (actually right now I am so low on reserves an orgasm might make me pass out..but that could be fun too!). I deeply need bed days but the most I get is the ‘Pass out – end up in bed an hour – get back to work’ circle. But as you can see, even when I am working, I am..er...distracted.

Oddly, while the massive amount of drug dulls my sensate, and my nerves are kinda dead, my mind longs for the tingle in the nerves (maybe now dead), the tingle in the brain, as the ohhhhhhhh and ahhhhhhh, rise in the mind. Hey, I am not JUST about sex (just about it right now!).

On my list, wish and goal number 20 on my ‘wish list of things to do before I die’, right after ‘Get a medical degree’ is ‘Epee Fencing as Foreplay’. I have the epee gear, I have my good blade Val, from my last tournament, and now those tight leather wheelchair gloves. I only need the whole three piece lingerie kit (and body to match). I could use one of those. Most of my stuff is WAY too practical. What kind of tragedy does that say about a woman when most of her lingerie is PRACTICAL. Sigh. Anyway, red hair, check, red scarf (can do, might have skulls), little boots, well how about kicking kinky 5 inch high heels on PVC boots. See, standing up isn’t a problem, I just need a few people to prop me up against a wall somewhere. Then I can make erotic circles with my epee tip, or come ‘en guard’ and do the opening salute.

Hey, I never said the wish list needed to make rational sense. We live in altogether a far too rational world! Fantasy and fun seem secondary and that is kind of scary (what is point of being a ‘free world’ if you can’t get some epee fantasy sexy going?).

Of course Linda is no slouch on the blade herself, doing very well in the foil for a couple years and significantly progressing in tournaments on the epee. And NOW she has a Pirate Queen outfit, complete with corset. Whee! Oh, I know this one from the books. She is the dread Pirate and she takes over the ship where I have been sent off by my rather evil step-father into an arranged marriage wishing in my heart that I had not spent a life as a flower kept from life, sent off like a merchants’ goods but rather, finally seeing life for myself. And along comes my Pirate! Now at first, a few maidenly shrieks, then of course the ‘stow her in my cabin’ (which ends up with some other kind of shrieks later – hey, I’ve read my smut...er...erotica, I know how this goes!). That would be a fun fantasy.

‘Oh no’, I shrink before the Dread Pirate Linda, ‘What happens now?’ I ask as she slowly and gently strips my gauzy layers off me.

“I show you the world” Dread Pirate Queen Linda replies.

mmmmmm……

Oh, by the way, this would be a REALLY good time for your boss to walk by.

Hmm……the other birthday sex fantasy is Linda coming in and ‘rescuing me’ from my work and books. You know, the striding in and telling me to ‘put down that book’ before carrying me off to bed in her arms. (Yeah, okay, I can fantasize a bit of domination sex). Of course, the problem is that I am several inches taller than Linda and she isn’t currently working out for Ms. Canada Weightlifting. I mean if I was 5’2” (which by the way ALL the romance girls are, or they are 5’7” or 5’8” and 100-115 lbs – HAHAHAHA! I mean, of course they are. This actually bothered me SO MUCH that I asked every 5’7” and 5’8” female I met if they were within those weights and found ONE – and she was a professional ballet dancer.) then sure but not at 6’3.5”. I have been DRAGGED by a limb by Linda. But I don’t think huffing and puffing and ‘Oh GOD, I hope I don’t hurt my back’ counts as talking sexy and dirty to me. She has rolled me over onto a towel or sliding sheet but again, being hauled like a toboggan with grunting from Linda and being carried in one’s loves arms and placed on the bed with rose petals is rather different.
I just need to go on a diet. However, the last time I was severely anorexic Linda wouldn’t get intimate with me after bruising herself on my pelvic bone sticking out. Plus when I get super anorexic and she says, “No, stick insects don’t arouse me, and seeing ALL of your bones through your skin doesn’t either.” Sort of leaves me in a dilemma. See, I could lose weight if I stopped being able to leg brace but that would affect….

Wish #17 of things ‘to do’ – Be wild, tempestuous and learn the Tango! Yes, I have decided that I want to be WILDER, more, I am not sure what, just MORE. Maybe go around in red and black goth wear and give little skeleton candies to children or something. Or Tango with people in the center of city hall outdoor square (since that is right near the red light district, I might risk ‘solicitation’. “Want to Tango?” I ask. The police officer says, “Oh is that what they call it now? Put your arms out for the cuffs.” I bite back the thought of saying, “Okay officer but that will cost extra!” – did I mention I was HORNY!).

Okay, next is a secret shame unrelated to sex. Well sort of unrelated.
Secret shame #21: In high school, I wanted to be a..oh, I can hardly say it...a cheerleader. I even got to the point where I started to talk about wanting to apply. Friends intervened and I was talked down. (Let’s face it, it is hard to play varsity basketball and cheer for the guys team AND girls at the same time. Also, I seem to be born ‘cartwheel hindered’, which is beyond the arm pump and hip swivel a basic cheerleader move.

Secret Shame #8: Okay, and this is a secret shame that I don’t really talk about to anyone except Linda. I am afraid of underwater. Seriously. Even as a child, I totally freaked when they tried to teach me water-skiing because of the sharks. I was 8, and on a lake but I couldn’t SEE below, ergo, sharks. I mean, at our Olympic pool, the bad vision and HEAVY chorine made a giant whale shape down at the deep end. Yes, that’s right, I honestly was afraid of swimming the length of the pool due to Moby Dick living in it. And if you think it is better if I go underwater, no it gets WAY worse, because there are things everywhere – I have underwater agoraphobia….severely. I can’t watch a lot of films where they go down in the ocean – the descent is just TOO much to watch. Now, that doesn’t stop me from swimming or going to see Imax on the Titanic, it is just…I am terrified and Linda holds my hands a lot and I close my eyes a LOT.

Wish #1, to do: Ug, enough of that, so lets go back to the positive, which is the wish number one. I want to go outside, and just watch the clouds and find shapes (more – more than zero). Like the art above, I see an Elephant and Linda sees Britain. I can only reconcile that in she must be looking at one cloud and I am looking at the spaces between the clouds. Or just what our minds are on, that is what finding stuff in clouds is about.

Secret Shame #12/To do #22: Yes, it is both a secret shame AND a ‘To do’ and it involves a trombone. And no, it doesn’t involves 76 of them. My secret shame is that I have never been able to put the phrase ‘spit valve’ into a normal sentence. I have twice been able to use ‘defenistrate’ when it made perfect sense, “Um, I think the main character is this film is about to defenistrate the villian”. There are other words, Gargoyle, Wyrd, Geuss (yeah, influenced by Clarke Ashton Smith and the 11th edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica – for those who don’t know, the 11th edition is the edition where Britannica got all the BEST experts of the field in Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbone, and other top experts to write these 20-60 page entries. After that, the Britannica went to using paid researchers, so you get the ‘Cambells’ soup answer or explanation instead of the ‘exclusive French Chef’s’ cuisine). But no, never been able to use the phrase ‘spit valve’ in a sentence.

BUT, I am also fascinated by the slide bar and have always, even before playing in an orchestra thought the slide bar would have wonderful potential for playing someone a solo and using it as erotic foreplay. The teasing sliding with a seductive look and wink seems potent for sexual foreplay, doesn’t it? So I guess I will need to learn the trombone.

Wish #8 to do: Write another great novel. I have been gearing up to do this now for a while (not being able to tell time, I can’t say) by doing what I do, reading as much and as vast a variety of literature as possible. Thanks to a good friend from Ergo, and a book swap, I have read a book this week I wouldn’t normally, ideas which still bounces in my head. I am reading Name of the Flower 4 (which is great, and the series finish, the manga follows the seasons of the flowers, through 4 seasons/volumes, finishing with can one person who has no way to share herself and only smiles and is quiet to stop being thrown out break out to be herself with a man who has been convinced by his past and family that he is only deserving of contempt?) Also reading The Stories of Ibis (amazing writing, and as a writer, a slap in the face to do MORE!), as well as a dozen other books. I read about 10-12 books a week minimum. Due to some intestinal problems that has gone up over 20 manga and 8 or 9 novels, so I am VERY thankful, since I am too ill to get out to the library, to those who have gifted me a novel or manga through the gift list.

I read east and west, old and new, so that I am a wheeling Meta-novel, the references to Buddha, to the Torah, to Christianity and the literature coming from them all turn in me. I have started putting up the slogans to writing, “10 words to get them to read 200: 200 words and they will read the chapter” – to remind me that we live in a jaded world, and need to write to make an impact, fast. Last time, with Zed, I had plot and the pain and humor was written in through rewrites. Right now, I have too much intensity, that I need a story which allows that to come through, or seeth, controlled beneath the surface. I write 1,000 words a day easy and that means if I live 60 days, it is a youth novel, if I live 100, a regular novel. I will likely have to write ‘This is my day’ blogs for a while and 1 or 2 ‘big theme’ blogs a week while I write. But I am getting ready. This is the first third, writing is the second third, and editing is the final third. Once I need a readers group, I will make an announcement.

Secret Shame #21: back in the bad old days before personal internet, I was living in different basement and only had access through university computers. And so I started going to university computers and reading erotic fiction at various member submitted sites. I was there, getting um, moist on campus, signed in for research and reading erotic (stuff that to 19-20 year old me seemed very, very DIRTY to me, but gosh and golly did it ever make me tingle!). Well, one day a member of my CHURCH comes out (I switch screens) and lets me know that they work at this university library and how am I? And then they say, “I just want you to KNOW that the university computer administrators can see EVERYTHING that you see on your screen and if you aren’t using the computers for research, they can go so far as take your computer pass away.” And then they wandered away.

The sweat popped out on me. And the screens that were immediately closed. And I stood up and walked out a normally as a horny jittery person could. Oh Great! Already internally tortured for being aroused but now guilty for being TOTALLY busted. Yup, that’s my secret shame, I was caught using research university computers to read dirty stories. True.

Wish #14 and #15 of to do: #14 is to have ‘more sex but not be caught by the caregivers’ and number #15 is ‘have more sex again!’ Look, I have strawberries and cherries in chocolate AND whipped cream! All of Linda's favorites - eat me, eat me! Okay, it is not like I have one track...um...mind. But I have been cared for, I have been working morning till sleep for as long as I know, and on vacations I do even more then spend 4 hours blogging about it before the next day. I just haven’t had the time to prioritize intimacy. And now I am, I am prioritizing it. And Linda just ‘proofed’ under my bed (The ‘five year old’ me when scared crawls under the bed and last time I passed out with my head stuck between two bars, according to Linda). Linda and I have talked about the type and kind of intimacy that is appropriate or comfortable for the ages and dementia levels. Basically a five year old you hug, a tween you play with, a late teen you fool around with, and a young adult is more than ready to go, but a little insecure, while me, um….I dunno, I’m just not sure that sex interests me. HAHAHAHA! I mean, yeah, tie me up, tie me down!
Okay, one last of each and the rest will come over the next couple posts. But I would like some feedback from this posts and maybe a secret shame (and a wish to do) from YOU in the comments.

Wish to do #11: (Yes, they really are numbered), LEARN TO THROW KNIVES. I guess I always thought that only odd psycho guys did this, that and movie heroines. But these days, I am pretty helpless. I might have ‘heart’ according to the boxing coach but I don’t want to live in fear. And throwing knives is something I have secretly wanted to do for about 15 years. I even tried to get a holder for the middle of my back for a throwing knife (based on a description from a Louis L’amour western book – that holder doesn’t exist). Now I would have leg holders and upper arm holders. And since I can’t touch my own nose and drop things about 15 times a day including: toothbrush, toothpaste, my pill container, my drink bottle (3 times), my book, and more, the hand eye coordination on a macro level could work with the hand-eye coordination on a micro level that I am starting to do with the PS2000 (largest hand controls), as prescribed by my doctor – the PS3000/2000, not the knife throwing. Any knife throwers out there?

Secret Shame #16: I have, SHAMELESSLY, overplayed my ignorance and clumsy aspects over the years in order to get guys/butchs to fix from cars to toasters for me. Like when the lesbian network newsletter came with a plumbing course offered and Linda and I looked at each other: “Isn’t that why men and landlords were invented?” I asked and she nodded and that was about it. Oh, I know all the components names, so that I can get them JUST wrong enough to have the person explain them to me as they are fixing it for free. Yeah, when it comes to a garage, I usually have a good idea what the problem is, and play the ‘dumb girl’ who says, ‘It makes a noise!” and if they start saying stuff all over the place then I go elsewhere. EXCEPT when it comes to my computer. Don’t mess with my computer! I don’t build it from the board up but I do determine what goes on it, and usually figure out what is wrong. I used to, it is one thing being so exhausted and mentally fogged that frustrates me, that this ‘smart’ part of me is going.

But yes, I have even gone so far as to go, “I don’t know, the handle goes up and down but nothing happens” when a guy/butch was over so THEY would remove the top and drop the rubber stopper down so I wouldn’t have to wash my hands of the old rubber smudges on them. Besides, the people who seem to like to make stuff or put it together or fix stuff seem so darn HAPPY to fix it, how can I deny them this pleasure by actually learning enough to fix it in front of them (then they just get sad).

I think I may not be the only one who has, at times, acted too dim to be able to fix a tire (because changing rusted lug nuts=hard and boring) when there are lots of guys around. But I am, somewhat ashamed as an independent woman to still have to ‘pretend’ (of course a lot of the ‘fix it type’ you could say exactly what the problem is and they wouldn’t believe you unless THEY look).

So, your secret shame?