This is not a holding pattern: this is life

This is not a holding pattern. I am not sure what day it is, but I will be posting part II as soon as the various disasters resolve (think how many tropical storms sometimes hit the same area over and over again in a matter of hours). I think I have been fevered for days. I haven’t eaten for similar. Also, with the end of extended health care Linda has been superbusy getting all that can be got since we don’t know what pain medications will be covered, much less heart, stroke or other medications. We found out the Sling for moving from bed to wheelchair, or floor to bed has been denied. Reasons behind this, when clients from MS to ALS use slings is beyond me (and it seems blue cross – the form was submitted some months ago by my hospital seating specialist and phsyiotherapist, not us). Also several things that were to be fixed on my wheelchair some months ago, weren’t. So I have a bed.

The crew across the road is behind schedule so now they work 12 hours straight and with more people (though oddly just one person on Friday), and they will finish framing and stuff in two animals, so they say to Linda. How I will survive, since I have major autonomic failure after 8 hours without sleep will be…interesting. It is raining heavily right now and they are putting up walls for the $750,000-$1,200,000 split level condos with vigor – no steel or concrete – now that just seems poor value, but I guess it is ‘load bearing’ wood. With the end of any coverage, all extra money has been spent on medication and other medical items putting me in the ‘Anchor dragging Linda’s Life down’ mood daily. So between that and asking her to help kill me, it is pretty festive. Thank you BC government for causing a 5-10% unemployment increase in this one town, but go Olympics!

I guess any anger I have is to cover the crying. I still am not on disability of any kind due to this provinces strange regulations, and due to the VIHA’s manager of Victoria saying a couple months ago that SHE is definitely discriminating against me due to my disability (that was after she made Linda cry). So, no assistance from our ‘manager’, or sight of them for the last many months (maybe they got laid off too). Also, we were informed that Monday (holiday) we would get no care instead of the mid-day and evening care just because. I write now as there is construction inside our apartment to put in the one new air conditioner we could afford for this year (since all tend to be on 24/7), which Linda borrowed money from me to get, which is fair only now no money for that, or indeed for going out for ‘birthday’ meal. Damn, nothing like being disabled, helpless and have to think about money and how much I cost people every (bleeping) day. So I hung myself. This has produced some interesting bruising but was not entirely successful.

The irony being that I spent what money I had this month getting gifts, for my non-parents (they don’t acknowledge really being my parents since they deal with disability this year by a) going on a LOT of vacations out of town, b) buying a new van and c) deciding they are ‘dead to me’ – so pretty much like other years) because just because they don’t love me doesn’t mean I can’t love them, so Birthday and Mother Day presents. Then, this weekend, it was sending out 14 packages of gifts, which is higher than some weeks, as well as gifts to all those kind people I have never met who show love is action, and gifts to those who send me/Linda/Cheryl postcards and gifts to those who just have similar interests to me. Also giving away some precious things preparing for my death, so Linda doesn’t have to do that.

Health: Linda and I did a list of every body system and found that every single one, including skin (the largest organ!) was compromised significantly. At the end I asked, “Are you SURE I’m not a zombie?” This week, which was to be a rest week has appointments every day, indeed, we are so busy doing things to ensure the survival of ‘ill Elizabeth’ that I, the actually Elizabeth have no reserves, or ability to rest, even with a fever because there is no day, no way to rest.

Linda is still unemployed, she is still applying. We are both now uninsured. I know others have been and are in this position – terrifying ain’t it? A NEW infection has arisen in the local hospital. The pain last night was severe, severe, severe, like unable to move, just able to have tears run down into my ears, and wondering what that noise is and finding it is me moaning painful. That’s a fun way to spend the middle of a sleep period.