Beth goes a Begging!

I went begging today. Yes, begging. And in sub-freezing weather, it snowed. I only lasted 20 minutes. I had the permission of the owner. And if you are offended because I am bringing down the image of the disabled or I am giving in to stereotype, then PLEASE point me in some direction where I CAN get a job in this town, or assistance that does accommodate me and give me dignity. I still have dignity here, I am just being blatantly open about how desperate I am.
The sign reads: “Need money Please for an oxygen Concentrator and medicine for kittens in the Japan Cat Project. Thank you and Happy Day.” I emailed with David and found out that his greatest need is for medicine, specifically for Revolution that they can’t get in Japan (an anti-parasite Treatment). If you have any or can get it in bulk to ship, please let me know, or David directly (email me and I’ll give you his email address). He says plainly that medical costs are a huge part of keeping the kittens, and that he also has to treat for Ringworm and cocydium but doesn’t know the best medicines. I put the concentrator on there because we are about to find out today or tomorrow if and how much Blue Cross will cover and will have about 3-4 days to come up with about $1000. That is causing some tension. I, of course, was raising the money for the kittens and was calling, “Save the Kittens.” A woman talked to me and as soon as she found out about the concentrator and how I can’t leave the house for long, she put in a fiver.

“You can use this as you want,” she said, “But I REALLY want you to have a better life.”

I said, “I understand, but I’m sort of wanting the KITTENS to have a better life.”

She left with a “For YOU” statement.

We made $8.76.
I was wearing two pairs of gloves, which I thought would work to keep out the cold even with my poor circulation. As you see, my ears are uncovered. My pain after 20 minutes outside was SO intense, I could not use my hands, I could barely move one thumb. Linda wheeled me into the store. And then out and back home, she had to put on the seat belt, I had my wrists and one thumb. The pain was unbelievable. I know I have a compromised circulation but really….?
I am not sure what to say, there was blood pools but otherwise no circulation in my fingertips or the sides of my fingers, this is FROSTBITE, and not a mild case of it, and it happened in just over 20 minutes.

I at this point, between the “Oh God, Oh God.” And “Look at my HANDS!” I was saying, “Okay, I’m going back tomorrow! Boy those panhandlers have it tough!” I think Linda pointed out they don’t have a disease which makes them have no circulation in their hands!
Linda says she brought a lukewarm bowl of water. My GOD THE PAIN! I screamed and screamed and I don’t know how long except I am hoarse now because all I could feel and see what a red haze of pain. It was bad. At this point, if anyone even TRIED to get me to go back out and pan-handle, I would take an AXE to them…when I could grip it again. I started to realize, “How am I going to wheel myself anywhere?” Going down and back to the Video Store takes longer than that – and this was TWO pairs of gloves, one a super-thermal. Nothing except saving Linda was worth that kind of pain again. Was I to be housebound for the rest of my time?
At this point I am just sobbing, because Linda keeps making me put my hands in the bowl and I can’t scream anymore, I am screamed out so I am sobbing. I begged, very cheerful, for 20 minutes. I screamed and sobbed and lost hand function for about 30 or more. Suck!

David told me that he has gathered 100 postcards for me already! Damn, I will have to work harder. With him going around like that, it just makes me want to help him – this was my genius idea last night as I went to bed. Turns out not so genius. So I will keep putting on DVD’s as I can and I will sell Zed (copies are in, please pay through Linda’s blog if you want one!). And $8.76 Canadian is going to David’s kittens (he has eight right now, he went up to Tokyo earlier this week to take two to new owners and two others went to foster owners so he ONLY has eight). I wish I knew how to help Linda and the Oxygen Concentrator, but I don’t. And so tomorrow I will come up with a plan on how to raise money for that. I know that Linda thinks I am stupid, and that maybe part of this begging is satire, but part of this is the genuine desperation I feel to help Linda and David cover costs. I know people in need, and I don’t know how to help them, I don’t know how to help myself. If it hadn’t been for Linda, I wouldn’t have been able to get home.

Maybe I am so desperate to help David and the kittens because I know they will live on and I will not. That if I save them, some shred of me lives on another 12 years in what I have done. Maybe I am so desperate because I am ashamed I don’t know how to help Linda raise money. That I am the thing in the house which must be fed and taken care of. And now, I am too disabled to beg, what kind of irony is that? I had my Dicken’s Cup and everything! If I could, I would be knocking on doors offering to sweep driveways or shovel walkways for $5, $10, $20. But I can’t.

Turns out I didn't raise much for David, but something, and that is better than not trying at all. Tomorrow the concentrator! And better gloves!