Where I have been, a bed on fire, and late remembrance

I am still alive…I can tell because parts of me hurt. I finished, just 3 minutes ago, a 4 day marathon of listing items for ebay (92 manga lots!) in hopes for getting some funds to save and enough to pay ebay sellers and get gifts. Sorry I have been not communicating, as it has been: get up, work, take pain pills, sleep, repeat. Over and over I worked until fingers, wrists, arms, forearms, shoulders, back, pelvic bones stopped working, just ached. Until I was not all here. I don’t know a time where I haven’t known only working and pain...literally, I can remember vague things in the past, but my recorded short term memory can’t believe it is over! Now this is what I WISH Linda and I had been doing. I mean, someone, well two someone’s has to do it, why not let it be us! Oh wait, I have the lacy thong, woot! I get to be on top! Sorry, fantasy distraction, late night thing.

The items and lots for sale on ebay (was over 90) include Yaoi (which are boy/boy love manga books come'on they are CUTE, and there is a KITTY! Most of Yaoi are buy it now or choose to bid and hope you get it – postage is included) and Shojo manga lots (Female romance, falling in love stories, couples stories) and Action manga lots like Vampire D’s oversized 200+ page mangas. I tried to list only complete sets as I know the frustration of buying half of a set and not knowing the rest of the story. Some of these I bought before I got sick, I think, or started. The ebay listings are HERE if anyone is interested. There is quite a lot that younger teens would like, high school romance, even 9th grade romance, plus books for singles in the big city, college romances – Venus in love is that one, where a girl is going after a guy in college, only to have the guy in the dorm next to her, her friend, in love with him too! Lots of Ghost story style ones (3 stories solves a volume or one a volume), and some cult ones like Lunar Legend, or Eureka Seven (famous anime) or The Girl who Ran through time (an alternate story on the famous Anime Movie: Girl who Leapt through time).

Sorry, it is all I have been staring at for um, days? Weeks? When did I start taking photos? Wow, I have a LOT of Yaoi. But you know most of the Deux Yaoi (and others) are more like fun boy love light romances, (isn't the build up and the moment of first kiss the tingly 'aww' moment particularly when the uke/femme is trying to be all butch! A "I don't know what you are talking about" - response: KISSED!) often the best yaoi is with no heavy adult scenes (or few), I recommend Manzai Comics, Idol Pleasures and Part Time Pets!
I am off to bed at 4:00 am, and tomorrow to the doctor, and then two more appointments later this week – no sign of any treatment in sight yet. But I keep working at it. The night worker who came on Wednesday and said she would come back told the schedulers she would, and then would not, so we will see tomorrow if it is just a timing conflict and get that changed.

I have been going through a long dark patch. Sort of self harm fantasy, compartmentalized, then lying in bed or when I was alone or with people every night, every afternoon, I thought about setting myself on fire. I believed it was the only way to help Linda and myself and get out of the loop I was in (I didn’t say I was very sane at this point!). I held the bottle of spirits I was going to pour over me, and then over my sheets in the bed before I lay in it and lit it. Now I look back and think that might not have been a very um, (I can’t think of a word that isn’t a horrid pun: ‘bright idea’, ‘illuminated thought’, ‘flash of brilliance’) good. Sorry, thinking about setting yourself on fire for dozens of hours is NOT GOOD, but it is sort of very ME, which makes me glad I didn’t do it. Got to stop listening to the voices, whether they be inside (like the ‘Bad Beth’ and Guilt Inc. voices) or outside (like the questions, insinuations, harassment, and basically abusive relationship doctors can hold over us: and health officials).

I hope you had a better weekend and I really hope all this work brings me the financial security I am hoping for. Now I really am low on manga! Seriously. I also hope all these doctors appointments bring SOME sort of treatment. Linda got a link to treatment for MS people to give remissions (not a treatment that would be approved here however) – still advances continue, treatments will come but until then, I have to live, to find balance – and to pray that the insanity of Black Friday (Thanksgiving is this Thursday, the day after that, Friday, is the most busy shopping day of the year) crazy spending in the USA spreads to ebay!

I sort of missed Remembrance Day. I wanted to remember on Nov 11th and did and do now, all those who worked as nurses in the field and in the stations all the way back to the home country on both sides of WWI and WWII. These women, who had PTSD and ‘shell shock’ went unrecognized and unappreciated. Florence Nightengale’s experiences in Crimea left her in bed – Shell Shock, M.E./CFS? I also want to remember all those families and spouses, communities who assisted in the caregiving of those who returned from war with impairments from psychological to the physical: the lungs, the limbs. There are millions to remember those who fought, let me and those who chose to remember those who tended men ripped apart by shrapnel, or who died holding their hands, and they went back to their cot, cried, then got up and went back to work.